Linda & Dave

VIRGIN ADVENTURE !!

Hi there. Life has a funny way about it at times as most people, I dare say, would agree with. The party of the year that turned out to be the flop of the century. The bargain of a lifetime at the market which upon arrival resulted in the box it came in being more useful. 'Nothing Ever Goes The Way You Plan' Modern Romance sang some years back and, although not a classic record most would say, very few could argue with the sentiment. Here is just another account of something where the outcome did not exactly live up to the expectations.

Some time back, we embarked upon the road of experiencing the joys of sex with other parties. In other words swinging as it is better known. We started off looking in contact mags and then as our line of work became internet based we regularly surfed the net in search of our first extra-marital shag. Well not exactly true really. A few months prior to this encounter we started up as an escorting couple in which many a good time had been had by us and the 3rd party that paid us to do what we would have probably been doing had he not been there. But all the clients were single guys which, being straight myself, I never shag thank you very much so in real terms it's at least half true I suppose. So let's call this one a first 'shag of choice' shall we say seeing as Linda didn't always have that privilege in our escorting jaunts. Plus there were two other ducks to be broken. My first taste of another woman in over eight years and possibly Linda's first venture into the world of 'bi', something she often got aroused over when we spoke about it during the heights of our 'blue movie sex sessions'.

Because all our clients had been single guys we felt the need for a bit of variety and I would often spend all weekend on the net in a chat room we use seeking out that first illustrious fuck - sorry, get together. This one particular weekend it reached a crescendo starting off Friday teatime and going all the way through the night until Saturday morning. A few hours sleep then off again. All through the day, into the evening and right the way through the night again. I must have corresponded or exchanged pics with 500 people but still no joy. Fortunately, not the sort of guy that gets a complex easy and also a character of resilience, I was not going to be deterred.

After a couple of hours kip, Sunday followed on as the last leg of this endurance test. More pics. More bollocks. More refusals or unanswered enquiries. Suddenly a breakthrough. Mid afternoon, for the umpteenth time 'You have e-mail'. A couple from let's say the Sussex coast enclose a couple of pics and state that they are 100% genuine. On inspection of the pictures we were pleasantly surprised. Lovely looking mid to late 20's blonde and the guy didn't look too bad either. Linda's words not mine just in case your mind was running away with itself. We discuss on Instant Message our preferences and all seems to have taken a turn for the better. No pain, no watersports. I'm straight but Linda is curious. Everything matched up. We exchanged telephone numbers and the guy, who we will call 'C', departs and says he will call soon. Hours go by but still no sign of a call or come to that any other inkling that this was going to be a successful mission.

Then around 9.30 C comes back online. 'You never rang' was his opening line. I informed him that he said he was going to call us but not wanting to lose the bait added that I could get Linda to call now. 'No problem'. I asked whether his lady would answer the phone as that was the way we liked to do things due to so many guys having fictional partners and hoping that at worst they would end up with a bit of cheap phone sex. She will, we were told so Linda proceeded to dial the number.

'K', as she will be known for the basis of this article, answers and a very brief discussion takes place between the ladies. Linda ends the call feeling that K's enthusiasm is not all that it could be. Still having C on IM I ask if they are sure it is okay to come down even though he had been near on begging us to come whilst the girls had their quick natter. 'Yes of course' the reply comes flying back. Are you sure' I add seeing as by now it was after 10 o'clock on a Sunday night. He replies with a definite and says he will send us the directions. Okay I say, bid him farewell and await the e-mail. As I go to log off he returns. 'By the way, something I forgot to mention'. I'm all ears. 'We have a friend here as well so there will be 5 of us, is that alright?'. We look at each other and give an agreeing shrug of the shoulders so I tell C that it's no problem. Could be fun I add. I must admit, by this time, he could have said he had a house full and it wouldn't have made any difference to me but there were two of us here and if Linda had declined then we would have gone by our golden rule. Both in or not at all. 'Great - see you soon' and off he goes. We now have the task of getting ready as soon as possible and attempting to find a street a 100 miles away in a place neither one of us had ever been before.

We leave our house just after 11 in our normal roles of me in the driving seat and Linda as co-pilot. On the basis of other ventures into the unknown, as far as finding somewhere unchartered by ours truly, I wasn't exactly brimming with confidence in locating the 'house of sin' without a hitch. Although I worship the ground she walks on, if I had to depend on Linda's navigational skills to go anywhere then I think I would become a hermit. I never said that by the way.

After approximately an hour and a half we reach a sign for '**********'. The directions tell us to ignore that one and take the next one. The next what? The next turning? The next sign for the place? Needless to say half an hour later we are driving around ********** lost. 1am, hardly a car on the road and more noticeable bodies in a ghost town. A glimmer of hope. I spot a police car and go hareing after it. It became like a reverse car chase. The faster I went to catch up, the more it seemed the local constabulary accelerated. Eventually, after a mile or so of high speed endeavours, it dawned on them that they were being followed. Not a normal experience for them I must confess but the thought did cross my mind when we did connect to ask if they had ever thought of using mirrors when driving. Seeing as we had more important matters at stake I decided to abstain. I gave him some bollocks explanation as to why we were driving around their seaside resort at this ungodly hour knowing full well that these yokels think you must be up to no good if you are on the streets at that time of night. An internal snigger did pop up with the thought that they were, by there standards, going to direct us to a so called den of iniquity. We hoped anyway. They told us to follow them for a while then take a 'left right left right', none of which registered mind you. So I followed them until they indicated for us to go the other way and then ventured on to become lost again.

We eventually found a garage and decided to buy a local AtoZ as we were never going to find it and would otherwise have ended in a wasted trip. But more importantly we would have not broke our 'fuckduck' so not finding this place was not an option.

After getting lost a few more times we arrive at the house more nearer 2am than anything else. C greets us at the door and leads us in to their abode. The house looked more than acceptable as we were led into the large lounge. C was remarking how he thought we were not coming but I didn't want to upset the apple cart by saying that if his directions had been better we would have arrived an hour earlier. Upon entering the room we see K on one of the 2 seater leather sofa's in a maid's outfit and their friend, who we shall call 'Columbus', asleep in just his underpants on the other. We say hi to K but get barely a glimmer of response. Uh Uh ! Was Linda's instincts right after all. But resilience being my middle name, this was no time to be anything other than confident I thought so proceeded to sit on one of the 2 leather armchairs. Linda sat down next to K and C sat opposite me on the other one seater.

A few minutes of chaff took place, all coming from C and the odd nod or split second grin from K. Computers became the topic and that was the cue for C to show me theirs. Off we toddle to his converted broom cupboard office and leave the girls to their small talk which in real terms was basically a one way conversation conducted by Linda. But then she can talk the hind legs off a donkey so at first she didn't really find it a struggle. Meanwhile, back in the broom cupboard, C hands me a sheet of paper. I quizzingly look first at the paper, but as I hadn't brought my glasses I didn't have a clue what was on it, so directed my puzzled state towards him. Its K's 'do's and don'ts' he tell me and proceeds to take me through them. One section for men, one for ladies. Penetrative sex. Men - no, Girls (with dildo) yes. Over 100 miles and 2 and a half hours driving and no proper shagging. You never told me that online I go to say but he bounders on with the terms and conditions. Kissing. Men - no, Girls - maybe. Oral sex. Men - maybe, Girls - yes. Well Linda will be okay, a sarcastic thought whizzes through the mind but no time to reflect as more coming. Mastabation (his spelling). Men - yes, Girls - yes. Well things are looking up I think struggling to contain the thought of getting a wank tonight after all. And if I'm really lucky MAYBE a blowjob as well. He did continue with his Magna Carta which seemed to go on forever but by now I had lost total interest. But then upon leaving the closet he made a comment that made my ears perk up so much that I would have heard a pin drop back in Bedfordshire. 'By the way, are you bi because I'm very curious'. 'No, sorry', I replied. 'Im straight.' Before I could say I did tell you earlier we were back in the living room where Linda seemed as if she was having a one way conversation with a couple of corpses. One asleep and one awake. It couldn't get any worse - could it? We return to our respective chairs and I begin to wonder whether we should stay but inexperience beyond anything else I dare say determines we stay put.

Now the next period of time is somewhat of a blur when I look back. I can't recall exactly what we did or spoke about but one or two things do stand out. I recall letting the cat out the bag that we were an escorting couple, maybe in the hope that we would get the derogatory reaction that we got from some in the chat room when I told them. At least then we could make our excuses and leave. Wrong. C proudly starts to tell us how K is an escort as well. Now I don't know if you have posed a question as quick as I did but it immediately sprang to mind that I was a little in the dark how K could have been an escort with no penetrative sex on the agenda. Explanation at hand. With a gleam on his face he relates how they advertise in the local paper for K to visit clients in her maids uniform and do their ironing for £20 an hour with a blowjob thrown in for good measure. Top quality line of work I thought. It really made all the time and effort we took in making sure the type of client we see was of the more desirable type an absolute waste of time when Linda could be getting the Morphy Richards out and running down the road like something out of 'ELLO 'ELLO to press someone's smalls and sucking their cock for an eighth of the price we charged. And if that wasn't enough that was quickly followed by 'Are you sure you ain't bi? You don't know unless you try, do you.' Oh I think I do you stupid prick nearly falls from my mouth but somehow all that slips out is 'Positive'. I go over to Linda to get a cigarette and decide to sit on the floor next to where she is sitting. Being a large room and C now being on the other side of it there was a chance I didn't have to converse with him. Wrong again. He just shouted across the room. 'So what is it you like to do?' Not wanting to tell him this was our first experience I opt for 'Anything you like mate'. Stupid thing to say. 'Great' he spurts looking at K in the sign language cum telepathic way that seemed to go on for most of the evening. With a few nod and a wink style gestures K gets up and makes her way upstairs, to the loo we assume.

I think it was around this time that their friend Columbus began to stir. After a few stretches and moans he is back in the land of the living and being introduced to us by C. Now to jump forward a little for a moment, Columbus turned out to be a really nice guy and not what our initial thoughts were suspecting. Well be fair, on the basis of what we had encountered up 'til then, would you have had welcoming arms. Anyway he embarrassingly greets us and apologizes for being in his undressed state. C pipes in with some comment about him rarely having his clothes on for long whenever he comes round. We smile back at C and I can't speak for Columbus but mine was out of pity for this sad person. Linda then toddled off to the downstairs loo if I recall and just after K returns with a bundle under her arm. Up pops C again looking straight at me. 'You'll like this.' Will I ? , i think but decide upon returning only a smile and a nod.

Linda returns to find C footering about with a video, Columbus still trying to wake up, K laying down some towels and a Twister mat on the floor and me approaching a state of total shock at what I feel is about to take place next. Linda glances at me in either bemusement or possibly abject horror and all I can do is roll my eyes and shrug my shoulders. C now tells Linda how much she'll enjoy this as K makes her final preparations. A video now plays on the TV and low and behold, who is on screen. Yep, you got it. It's K. Sitting talking to the camera but fortunately for us as yet we have no sound. Change of luck swiftly follows as her droning mumbles, which we were led to believe was K 'talking sexy', blurts from the box in intermittent blasts. C, now near fever pitch, jumps up and grabs the remote to make it not quite so deafening. Be thankful for small mercies a message rebounds between myself and Linda as our looks say it all.

K by now has removed her knickers and sits arched, legs akimbo across the Twister mat. One hand behind her back for balance and the other rubbing frantically away at her shaven waterworks, it only seems to be a matter of time now before she turns the tap on. C can now hardly contain himself while we get further in the thought process of 'what the fuck are we doing here'. As for Columbus, he sits seemingly bored shitless but then I guess he's seen it a million times before. Before much longer K is gushing like an oil rig with C jumping around like an African warrior. I suppose she should be congratulated for timing because as she spurts in full glory in actuality, the video of her produces what we in the music business would deem as the stereo effect. A double dose of pissing. Just what we came for I don't think.

Now you would think with the charade that was taking place bearing in mind that we said no watersports, the thoughts going through my mind would be related to the disgust of events. Strangely though all I could think of was wondering if their 2 daughters had any inkling of the other use their mother had for their beloved limbo style game. C assured us that the mat was washed thoroughly afterwards so that made it alright - didn't it?

We settled back down now all still in our appropriate places with the only changes from the offset being me seated on the floor next to Linda and Columbus now being fully awake. A thought tremored through my brain. We stated no watersports, no bi men, no pain. Oh God, what was to come next. Visions of whips and chains fleeted through but I told myself at the first glimpse of anything remotely looking like a rack or cat o'nine tails then we would definitely be off and anyone that stood in the way would suffer the consequences. Fortunately, pain was not conflicted either way.

Now the order of chain of events to happen next is unclear but from my recollections some conversation did take place but about what escapes me. I know from time to time C would shout some lewd statement across the room about longing to see Linda's pussy, followed on by 'hope you don't mind me asking'. As the night progressed I vividly remember my opinion of C changing by the minute from 'not a too bad guy' when we arrived to 'pervy sort of character' a little later to 'absolute degenerate by the middle of the ordeal. You can imagine what my final assessment must have been but let's not go that far yet. As for K, she was now back downstairs after scrubbing the sullen gamesmat I imagine, among other things no doubt. She sat back down on the sofa and took up her normal stance, prior to the wet set, of being a seated tailors dummy. Columbus and Linda were getting along okay which was the only plus of the night. C rambled between being a one time video tycoon to how successful K was at being a cock sucking ironing board to other unmemorable bollocks. Oh and of course the odd ' can't wait to see your pussy Linda' quip. Linda rarely wears knickers when attempting some 'erotic fun' so she actually flashed at C at some stage hoping that it would calm down his one-liners but regrettably it only made the moron worse. He once again tried his 'bi' line but this time I replied that tonight he would have to stay curious. It must have did the trick because it was never mentioned again. He did question Linda about being bi which at that time she had never experienced before and stated so. 'No problem, gloated C, K will show you the ropes a little later.' Not ones you tie I jokingly remember thinking.

Some short time later, C could not hold out any longer. Near on beggingly to Linda came 'Let me get between your legs and lick your pussy'. At first she seemed a little apprehensive but was more due to the embarrassment she felt that a grown man could make himself look and sound such a wanker. I think it was either his second, maybe third request that she eventually conceded. Over he came on all fours and Linda duly parted her legs. He started to slurp away at her like a dog licks at his dish if he has been locked up for a week. After a brief spell he turned to me, still seated on the floor next to him and said 'Go on, get on her' motioning his head towards K seated only a few feet away next to Linda. I ignored his first demand and glanced over at K who was still breathing but you had to look hard to tell. He returned to hoover Linda for a moment then repeated his 'tempting offer'. This time I did answer by saying ' Don't you think I should ask her first' to which seemingly offpat he chortled 'No fuck it, just get on her'. Not quite knowing what to do I looked over to her for some guidance which must have registered as she gave me some type of nod of approval. So I thought, in for a penny - in for a pound and took the short crawl to what was going to be my first taste of another pussy in the eight years that Linda and myself had been together.

The strides seemed an eternity but in another light came too quick. I was now there and hoping for some wild reaction as I knelt down and prised her legs apart to make room for my head. As my tongue touched her mound I felt a movement from her. Could my one flick of the tongue really create such ecstatics? No, afraid not. As I looked up she was actually leaning over to get her cigarettes from the side table. Where do we go from here I thought. Shall I suck her clit or offer her a light? I suppose in all honesty I did neither. I stayed wedged between her legs while she puffed away on her fag, licking occasionally but with about as much interest as she was showing towards me. I remember thinking how unmistakably K her shaven hole was. It had a personality to match. It smelt of nothing. Tasted of nothing. In fact you would have been hard pressed to guess you were licking a pussy if you had of been blindfolded. I seriously had never been in such an embarrassing situation before and hope to never see the like again.

Linda was sucking C by now and was joined by Columbus at some stage. Because of the no penetrative sex rule for K it applied both ways as far as C was concerned with Linda. Their ruling not ours although there was no way Linda was going to let C get a shag if I didn't so she told me later. Commendable to the last, that's my lady. Columbus however was a different kettle of fish. He was answerable to nobody and Linda found him far more attractive than clotty C. Although by this time Linda would have found next doors labrador more desirable than him. Linda and Columbus eventually got it together with C trying to get in on the act by sticking his cock in Linda's direction but only for her to, rightly so, avoid it like the plague. As far as I can recall myself and K must have sat and watched but, to me, where she was by now would have been about as enticing as having C's cock rogger me.

Columbus didn't exactly bring the roof down for Linda but on a 1-10 scale I would assess he would have reached halfway up the ladder. The Gamesmaster C decided it was time for a change. 'How about a floor show from the girls then', Lord Lewd aspired. How they ended up there I really can't remember but there they were, end to end, 69-ering it with C having a ringside seat imagining he was watching the Bruno /Tyson fight I guess judging by the raptures he had now soared to. I must confess I was bored stiff, well not very stiff actually, but then I thought it must have been just me. Unfortunately for Linda it was no different. She told me later she would have had more enjoyment licking a gum tree. That went on for a period of time but how long and what they were doing was no longer of interest to me. If I recall correctly me and Columbus had a chat while Harry Carpenter gave instructions from his commentary position.

When Linda's ordeal with K was over I think we chatted for a while but forgive me if I don't remember the details. It must have been 5 in the morning by now. I'd had about 4 hours sleep in 3 days. Drove halfway across England only to be told you can't shag the wife but you can have me if you like. And you expect me to remember conversation from a couple that would make listening to a tap drip more interesting.

The proceedings did start up again a little later, this time with Columbus and Linda astride each other again and C determined he was not to be left out. At one stage I think the excitement got too much for him and he was prepared to waiver the 'No Entry' ruling. Well for him anyway. But Linda was wise to it and felt him trying to edge his way in which was met with a swift side-step.

Meanwhile a few feet away there was yours truly and The Ironing Queen. She now had me in her mouth but if I hadn't of looked I never would have noticed. She was applying about as much suction as a broken down vacuum and her tempo of up and down head movement would have given a snail a better chance of making me come off. But the highlight of the night for myself, and Linda, was still to come. After bobbing up and down for some period of time at her go slow rate she suddenly pulled me from her mouth and spluttered 'God this is really making me dry, I could murder a cup of tea'. Linda, shagging Columbus at the time, ground to a halt. My first reaction was to push her head back down but then I thought better of it and sat on the floor. K went to get a drink which suited us both.

Linda finished off Columbus and a little later we called it a night. It was now 7 in the morning and it dawned on me that we were about to encounter the M25 Monday morning workload. We dressed and thanked them out of courtesy for the night although I must confess it really pisses me off having to lie. K's goodbye was about as enthusiastic as the rest of her night's antics but C was more game and wanted us to meet up again. Personally, if I got in the water and Jaws was in there and I was lucky enough to escape, then there is no way I would ever contemplate ever getting back in again. 'Yes, we must', I said, not looking at him just in case he looked me in the eyes and read a different answer.

On the way home we at first was a little stunned by the night's events but soon began to see the funny side of it. By the time we got to the M25, which by then was the height of rush hour, it had got to side splitting proportions. Linda, still wearing no knickers, flashed at all the lorry drivers and any other motorist that came within eyeshot.

So I suppose above all, if you are considering getting into the swinging scene, take heed that it is not all plain sailing. And pray that your first encounter is not like ours because unless you have the same type of attitude as us, it could well be your last as well.

Linda&Dave@opussounds.fsnet.co.uk