|
David's Funnies
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, and the husband
was constantly after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You really
ought to quit."
"I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex," she explained.
"But they stunt your growth," he remarked.
She asked if he had ever smoked, and he exclaimed, "Absolutely not!"
As she lifted her gaze to his groin, she smiled and asked, "So, what's
your excuse?"
One day at school, the topic of the day was, "What part of your body goes
to Heaven first?"
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher saw this and thought to herself,
'Oh no! Johnny always says something bad - I'll make sure he's the last one
I call on!' So, instead the teacher calls on Susie.
Susie says, "I think your brain goes to Heaven first because you have
to be smart to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Susie, "That's very good, Susie!" Then, the
teacher calls on Mary.
Mary says, "I think your heart goes to Heaven first because you have to
love to go to Heaven."
The teacher congratulated Mary, "Very good, Mary!"
By this time, Johnny is waving his hand, "Oh, oh, oh!"
The teacher gets ready and says, "Okay, Johnny, it's your turn."
Johnny gets up and says, "I think your feet go to Heaven first."
The curious teacher asks, "Well, Johnny, that's very good! But, why do
you suppose your feet go to Heaven first?"
"Well," replies little Johnny, "last night I walked into my parent's room,
and my mom had her feet in the air, screaming, 'Oh God, I'm coming, I'm
coming!'"
So here I sit, in all my glory...
Lend me an ear, and I'll tell ya a story...
Once had a wife--she was such a dear,
Then came AOL, and it all disappeared!
Now there she sits , for hours on end...
don't care where I'm goin', don't care where I've been.
It could be two, or it could be nine...
she really doesn't care, long as she's online.
She gets outta work and rushes home,
She comes in screaming at me, "Get off the phone!"
Where the hell's my hug? Where is my kiss?
But she's at the computer--that's all she missed!
Talking to buddies, checking the mail
All her priorities--I'm in cyber Hell!!
My stomach's growling--it's so unfair!
No clean dishes and I'm out of underwear!
"Life Backwards"
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it?
A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old
age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch,
you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your
retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for school. You
go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities,
you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last
nine months floating
...and then finish off as an orgasm!
IT PAYS TO MILK THE COW FIRST............
Marty decided to propose to Joanne, but prior to her acceptance Joanne
had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Marty
that she suffered a disease that left her breasts with the maturity of a
12 year old.
He stated that it was ok because he loved her so-o-o-o much. However,
Marty felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he also
had a deformity. Marty looked Joanne in the eyes and said...."I too had a
problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal
with that once we are married." She said "yes I would marry you and learn
to live with your infant size penis."
Joanne and Marty got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon.
Marty whisked Joanne off to their hotel suite and they started touching,
teasing, holding one another...
As Joanne put her hands in Marty's pants she began to scream and ran
out of the room.
Marty ran after her to find out what was wrong. She stated to Marty,
"you told me your penis was the size of an infant!"
Marty said, "Yes it is..... 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19" long!!"
The other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club" (aka
"Chippendale's, apparently). One of the girls wanted to impress us,
so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us and my friend
licked the $10 bill and put it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill. She calls
the guy back over, licks the $50 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.
The attention is now focused on me. What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet....thought for a minute, then the "banker" in me took
over I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the $60 bucks and
went home.
A man was driving home from work one evening when he suddenly realized
that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't yet bought her a gift.
So, the man rushed off to the nearest toy store and asked the sales clerk,
"How much is that Barbie in the window?"
The sales clerk replied in a condescending tone, "Which Barbie? We have
Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie
Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes
Nightclubing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."
The overwhelmed man asked, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 and all
the others are only $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" said the sales clerk. "Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's
house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, and Ken's furniture.
Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley who lived inside a famous
movie actor. Stanley was a very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults
and limber himself up all the time, while the other sperm just lazed around
doing nothing.
One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and asked why he exercised
all day.
Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant, and
when the right time comes, I'm gonna be that one sperm!"
A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves getting hotter and
hotter. They knew the big swim was imminent. Moments later, they were released
abruptly and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of all the
others.
Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned around, and began to swim
back with all his might. "Go back! Go back!" he hollered. "It's a blow job!"
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mental hospital, is examining
patients to see if they're cured and ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I see by your
chart that you've been recommended for dismissal. Do you have any idea what
you might do once you're released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went to school
for mechanical engineering. That's still a good field and great money. But,
on the other hand, I thought I might write a book about my experiences here
in the hospital and what it's like to be a patient here." The patient continued,
"People might be interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I thought
I might go back to college and study art history, which I've grown interested
in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like intriguing
possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare time, I can go
on being a teapot."
University Hospital London is reporting an unusual occurrence in the
Obstetrics department: a child was born with both male and female organs.
A pussy and a brain.
Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers
Dirtydavid also brings you dirty-david.co.uk, the home of the
genuine UK swinger. For other genuine UK swinging sites check out
http://genuine-london-swingers.com
or if you live in the northwest try
http://manchester-swingers.com . Next time you are heading for Spain on
holiday, and want to meet with some genuine Spanish swingers, try
http://swingers-in-spain.com . If
you are heading for the United States of America and want to meet genuine
American swingers try
http://123couples.com or for
genuine Canadian swingers try
http://dirtydavid.ca . When looking for
genuine Australian Swingers try
http://swingdownunder.com
|