David's Funnies

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Men Jokes

• How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odours, and half the time they don't work.

• Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.

• Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.

• Q. How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down? A. Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Top 10 things you'll never hear one guy say to another guy

• 10. She'll never understand that sometimes I just want to cuddle.

• 9. Our team lost But we tried our best, and after all that's the important thing.

• 8. I'm deeply offended by young women who go bra-less

• 7. You know what always makes me cry? Those long-distance commercials.

• 6. Want all my tools? I just realized I never do anything useful with them!

• 5. There's nothing I like more than a quiet evening at home, watching a movie on Lifetime about some woman who gives up her baby and then suffers miserably.

• 4. I think those big, jacked-up trucks look ridiculous.

• 3. I can't stop fantasizing about Dr. Ruth!

• 2. I'm tired of beer. What say you to a nice, fruity Chablis?

• 1. Does my butt look fat in this?

THOUGHTS ON MARRIAGE....

• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

• A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

• Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, suffering.

• My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

• Why do married men gain weight while single men don't? A single man goes to the refrigerator, sees nothing that he wants, and goes to bed. A married man goes to bed, sees nothing he wants, and goes to the refrigerator.

• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

• A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

• First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

• A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny. The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled, "It really works!"

• A man asked his new wife if she would have married him if he hadn't inherited all his money from his dad. She said, "Of course dear. I'd have married you no matter who you inherited the money from."

• It's not true that married men live longer than single men.... It only seems longer.

• I haven't spoken to my wife for eighteen months.... I don't want to interrupt her!

• A man is incomplete until he's married...then he's finished.

THINGS WOMEN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN.........

• Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

• Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

• Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

• What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

• So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

• If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

• Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

• Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be let out alone.

• Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

• Men are all the same - they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

• Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

• Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

• The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.

• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• If you want a committed man look in a mental hospital.

• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

• A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "oh alright, I'll stay the night."

• Women sleep with men, who if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

• Remember a sense of humour does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

• Sadly, all men are created equal.

• The main point of having a boyfriend is so that he can one day graduate to the exalted status of a "former boyfriend".

• There are two significant influences in a man's life and they are both his mother.

• There are a lot of words that you can use to describe - strong, caring, loving - they'd be wrong - but you could still use them.

How is Bill Clinton different from the Titanic?

A. Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Paddy was in the South of France visiting his friend Pierre, and could not understand why he had attracted all the girls at the beach and Paddy pulled nothing. So he asked Pierre, Why do you get all the girls and I get nothing.

Piere said take a potato, tuck it in your swimming costume, it drives the women wild.

So the Irishman stuffed a potato in his costume and paraded up and the beach. Many hours later, still no woman. So the Irishman went to see Piere again and said "I've tried it, it doesn't work".

Piere looked at the Irishman and said "Have you tried putting the potato in the front?".

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"

"Ah, said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer limey Thompson comes feeling my balls, I'II blow his bloody fingers off!"

Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third. "Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die." "Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other. "Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."

An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it? The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."

Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're supposed to be celibate. But...." The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."

There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and address?" "I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

 

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