David's Funnies

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A man stranded on a desert island comes across a woman who has washed up onto shore. The man helps the woman and welcomes her to the island.

Later on that day, the woman says, "I don't suppose you smoked before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did smoke before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a cigarette from her bag, and they enjoy a smoke together.

A little later, the woman says, "I don't suppose you drank before you were stranded on this island, did you?"

The man explains that he did drink before becoming stranded on the island. So, the woman produces a flask from her bag, and they enjoy a drink together.

Some time later, the woman says, "So, you've been on this island for ten years without a woman, huh?"

"That's right," says the man.

The woman continue, "I don't suppose you'd like to play around?"

"Good God lady," exclaimed the man, "you have a set of clubs in that bag too!'

It was the usual scene in the City's Night Court. The police had rounded up the usual collection of street walkers and had taken them before the Judge.

Three hookers, all arrested on the same corner, stood before the Judge. He asked the first lady what she had to say for herself.

The woman was irate, "I don't know what all this is about, your Honour. I'm a college student doing research for a term paper."

The Judge sighed and said, "Well, Miss, I would have thought you'd done enough 'research' by now. My computer says you have two prior convictions. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the second lady and requested that she testify.

The woman began crying softly and said, "Judge, I am just a housewife out getting a pack of cigarettes for my husband. I have no idea why I was arrested."

This time, the Judge shook his head and said, "Well, young lady, the officer tells me that he saw you hand a stack of bills along with the cigarettes to your 'husband' in his new Cadillac. Thirty days and $250 fine." He then turned to the last of the trio and asked her occupation.

The woman said simply, "I'm a hooker." Refreshed at her honesty, the Judge laughed and said, "How's business?"

She sneered and replied, "Terrible, Judge. With all these students and housewives around, competition is really tough!"

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and then bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are cock suckers!"

A sudden silence descends. After a moment, he asks, "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on this side of the bar are mother fuckers!" Once again, the bar is silent. He looks around the bar and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?"

A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man. The construction worker looks the man square in the eye and says, "You got a problem, buddy?"

"Um, no," insists the man. "I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

70 Years married

A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

His buddy hung his head. " To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago."

Apples

A guy is driving down a country road when he comes upon a sign saying "Apples - $5.00 each." He thinks that is a lot of money so he decides to go see what's up.

He goes up to the farmer and says, "Hey, how come these apples are 5 bucks each?" The farmer replies, "They are peanut butter and jelly apples." The farmer hands him one and says, "Here, try one." So the man takes a bite out of the apple and says, "Peanut butter - that's great, but I thought you said that they were peanut butter and jelly apples."

The farmer tells the man to turn it around. The man bites the other side and exclaims "Son of a gun - jelly!"

The man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

He gets back in his car and drives a little further down the road and then sees another sign "Apples - $10 each." Again, he pulls over, goes to the farmer and says, "Hey, what's up with these apples?"

The farmer says, "They're ham and cheese apples. Here, try one." The guy takes a bite and exclaims, "Son of a gun - ham!" The guy then says, "Let me guess - I have to turn it around." The farmer says "You got it." The guy bites the other side and says, "Cheese." Again the man says, "These apples are great - give me some."

Then he gets back in his car and drives down the road. He comes upon a third sign that says "Apples - $50 each." The guy really wants to see what's up with these apples. Again, he pulls over, goes up to the farmer and says, "What's the deal with these apples? 50 bucks each?"

The farmer tells him that "These apples are pussy apples. Here, try one."

The guy takes a bite out of it and says, "Yuck! This apple tastes like shit."

The farmer says, "Turn it around!"

Various

What is the leading cause in death with lesbians?

Answer: Hair balls.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Answer: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork

How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Answer: If your girlfriend chews before swallowing

What do u get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?

Answer: A red head with a yeast infection

How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?

Answer: By sticking your finger in his honey

What is the ultimate rejection?

Answer: When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep

What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?

Answer: I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.

What does pizza delivery man and a gynaecologist have in common?

Answer: Both can smell it but can't eat it

What do you call a blonde with pigtails?

Answer: A blow job with handle bars

What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?

Answer: All you can eat for under a buck.

Dennis Rodman is strutting along the beach, finds a bottle and picks it up...Suddenly a female genie appears from the bottle. "Master I may grant you one wish?" says the genie with a smile.

"Hey, Witch....don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman givin me nuttin!" barks Rodman.

The genie pleads, But Master, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thinks a moment......then rumbling about the inconvenience of it all,he says "OK,OK....I wanna wake up with 3 women in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" (giving the genie an evil glare). Now leave me alone!" he screams as he walks off.

So the annoyed genie says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, Denis Rodman wakes up and finds Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hillary Clinton in his bed.

His penis is gone, his leg is broken, and he has no health insurance!!!

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.

He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.

Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.

Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"

"Of course, Son, we're a family."

So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually fall off!"

Be Careful What you ask for ... you may get it.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out."

He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.

When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Subject: BREAKFAST

There was a mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole.

They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

The papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

The baby mole tried to reach his head outside the hole but couldn't because of the two bigger moles.

The baby mole said, "The only thing I can smell is Molasses."

 

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