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David's Funnies
HORSE RACE Lineup:
In lane 1. Passionate Lady
In lane 2. Bare Belly
In lane 3. Silk Panties
In lane 4. Conscience
In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
In lane 6. Clean Sheets
In lane 7. Thighs
In lane 8. Big Dick
In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
In lane 10. Merry Cherry
THEY'RE OFF!!!
Conscience is left behind at the gate.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosom is being pressured.
Passionate Lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous
spot.
AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pressed in.
Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard and Bare Belly is under terrific
pressure from Big Dick.
AT THE STRETCH:
Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Dick is making a final drive.
Bare Belly is in and Passionate Lady is coming.
AT THE FINISH:
It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything
Big Dick has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final thrust
and wins by a head...
Bare Belly shows...
Thighs weakens...
Heavy Bosom pulls up... and Clean Sheets never had a chance.
Grandma and Grandpa!
Grandpa and grandma were living with their son and daughter-in-law.
Grandpa noticed that his son had a bottle of Viagra and asked if he could
have one.
His son said, "Dad, I don't think you should take one - they're very strong
and expensive."
Grandpa said, "I know - but I want to try one. How much are they?"
His son said, "They're $10 each." Grandpa only had a $50 bill but was
going to the bank and would leave $10 under his son's pillow that night.
The next morning his son found $110 under his pillow and said "Dad, I
told you it was only $10 - there's $110 under my pillow!"
Grandpa said, "That's okay," - the other $100 is from Grandma!"
Lost Little Johnny
Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and
said, "I've lost my dad!"
The policeman said, "What's he like?"
Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!"
Bank Robbery
The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the
few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and
lie face down on the floor, behind the counter. One nervous blonde pulled
off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.
"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her......
"This is a stick-up, not an office party!"
THE RULES OF CHOCOLATE
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too
slowly.
Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot
car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off
your appetite and you'll eat less.
A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isn't that handy?
If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But
if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories
are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect
themselves.
If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that
a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Money talks. Chocolate sings.
Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An
entire garment industry would be devastated.
Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That
way, at least you'll get one thing done.
An elderly couple sat through a porno movie twice. They didn't get up
to leave until the theatre was ready to close for the night. "You folks must've
enjoyed the show," the usher said.
"Disgusting," said the old lady.
"It was revolting," her husband added.
"Then why did you sit through it twice?" the usher asks.
"We had to wait until you turned up the house lights," the old lady
replied.
"We couldn't find my panties, and his teeth were in them!"
"Woman chops off sleeping man's penis and drops from moving car!" Don't
laugh, it is true, and it can happen to you!!
Right now thousands of agitated, irate women have read that headline and
are contemplating similar action against you the next time you make an unwanted
sexual advance, look at them the wrong way, or just upset them in general!!
MEN PROTECT YOURSELVES NOW!!
If you found yourself a victim of CDS (Chop and Drop Syndrome) could you
be sure the appropriate authorities would find your chopped member in time
and intact?? Could you be sure the penis part they found was yours??
Inquire now about our low-cost PenisProtectionPlan! *
Plan 1: We'll register your penis and scrotum, plus tattoo them with their
own unique registration number, ensuring that in case of separation, you
will get a perfect match every time.
Plan 2: Our Jurassic prick program. We'll take a cell sample from your
penis and clone replacement parts for you in the event a trailer-tractor
runs over your penis, or some wild animal mistakes your detached member for
a chew toy.
Plan 3: For those of you who believe in prevention, we offer a one size
fits all, battery-operated, stainless steel jockstrap that can be worn when
necessary. When you are asleep an alarm will be activated when metal or other
hazardous objects come within one foot of the jockstrap. This will guarantee
you a full nights sleep, free of worry.
Don't get caught short...
Call 1-800-SAV-A-DIC today!!!!!
What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!
What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat me!
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.
What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
About three inches.
What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well-hung.
What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
You can't hear an enzyme.
What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sor-ass.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything.
What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the
other is used to carry groceries.
What did the blonde say when asked if she'd been picked up by the fuzz?
No...but I've been swung around by the tits.
Why do gay men wear ribbed condoms?
For traction in the mud.
Why can't Helen Keller drive?
Because she's a woman.
Q Why don't blind people skydive?
A Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
A Cuz every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Q What has four legs and an arm?
A A happy pit-bull.
Q What do you call a truckload of dildos?
A Toys for twats.
Q How do you castrate a Red Neck?
A You kick his sister in the jaw.
Q How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A It's not hard.
A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great fervour: "If
I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the
river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd take it
all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Hallelujah!"
The preacher sat down.
The song leader stood up very tentatively and announced: "For our closing
song, let us sing hymn #365, 'Shall we gather at the river.'"
At midnight, a middle-aged man was waiting at a train station to cross
the country to back east to see his relative. As he stepped up into the train
car he noticed that the car was almost empty except a young beautiful nun
sitting by herself reading a Bible.
The man came and sat near her hoping to get some companionship during
the long ride. However, the nun was paying no attention to him. She just
kept on reading the Bible without even looking up to him or saying a word.
As time went by slowly and silently, it made the man more and more anxious
to start conversation. But he did not know how or where to start. The man
then put his hand on the nun's lap.
The nun blushed with a little bit of anger. She turn around and said,
"Dear sir, do you believe in God?"
He replied" Yes, I do."
"Have you read the Bible? You know it is wrong to put your hand on my
lap. Perhaps you should go home and read line 23 on page157." she asked.
The man withdrew his hand and sat quietly till the train reached the East
coast. Next day, he was found shot in his room while the Bible lay open on
page 157. The line 23 read: "Heaven is a little bit higher."
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