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David's Funnies
A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place
for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her
bedroom.
The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals.
There were hundreds of them all over the place. Giant stuffed animals
were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf
and on the window sill, and a lot of smaller stuffed animals were on the
bottom shelf.
Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, "So... how
was I?"
"Well," she said, "You can take anything from the bottom shelf."
A girl and boy are having a relationship of about four months now. One
Friday night they meet at a bar after work. They stay for a few, then go
on to get some food at a local restaurant near their respective houses. They
eat, then go back to his house and she stays over.
Her story:
Well Ed was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it, but
the conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately, so we go to this restaurant
and he's still a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder
whether it's me or something so I ask him and he says no but you know I'm
not really sure, so anyway, in the cab back to his house I say that I love
him and he just puts his arm around me and I don't know what the hell that
means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything so when we get
back to his I'm wondering if he's going off me and so I try to ask him about
it but he just switches on the TV and so I say I'm going to go to sleep and
then after about 10 minutes he joins me and we have sex, but he seemed really
distracted and so afterwards I just want to leave and I dunno I just don't
know what he thinks anymore, I mean, do you think he's met someone else?
His story:
Shit day at work. Great shag later.
In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her
gynaecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive.
He suggested she try withdrawal, douches or condoms.
Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three
children when she happened to run across her old doctor.
"I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children.
"On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy
was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"
ASK A PERVERT
"Ask me anything, unless it's a stupid question.."
-From Mark.jeanette.joel@worldnet.att.net,
"Dear Pervert, This one day I saw this really hot chick and got a huge
stiffy. I have a photographic memory and decided to flog the dolphin when
I got home. I yanked it for like 5 min. straight and had so much cum everywhere.
Since then, I've not been able to get a boner. What's up?"
You're asking me, 'What's Up'? Certainly not your dick...next question!
~~~~~~
-From aznfag@hotmail.com,
"hey Pervert, i was just wondering if its normal to have a small penis.
my girlfriend says its okay. but i really dont believe her because during
sex, shes taking off her nail polish. i asked her if her other boyfriends
had big penis, she said 'not really' what the hell does that mean? does penis
size really count for that much. i'm 24 with small penis. help me pervert."
Your girlfriend's just being nice to you....it's dead wrong to have a
small penis...it's immoral! You should be shot and not allowed to procreate
so that your male spawn won't have to go through life with small peni, and
make more men with small peni. It's just not right! Maybe you should go to
San Francisco sometime..I live around there, I can show you around...maybe
you'll find a guy you like and you two can live a happy life, without creating
another one of YOU.
~~~~~~
-From anonymous,
"Dear Pervert, We have recently added a mistress to our sex life. We have
been married 12 years and thought it was time for a change. Both of us enjoy
her company very much. Is this normal?"
Damn! Why do so many people keeping asking me "Hey Pervert, is this normal?"
Do you fucks think that running a weekly advice column from a perverted point
of view is *normal*? Do I seem *normal* to you!? Think, people!
~~~~~~
-From Mrrizzo8@aol.com,
"how would i go about hooking up with my sister? since u a pervert i figured
u would know best since u have done all ARF ARF"
Hmm...nope. Can't say that I've done your sister. I'm going to flex my
uncanny psychic abilities and say, you probably live in Kentucky, or Alabama,
don't you?
~~~~~~
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid,
stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" asks the teacher.
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company.
He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "If you
could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
A rooster and a cat were walking down the street. The sky turned dark
and it began to rain. The sidewalk soon became very slick and full of puddles.
Sure enough, the cat slipped and fell into one of the puddles. The rooster
did all he could to keep from laughing at the cat, but he became hysterical,
nonetheless, laughing long and loud.
The moral of the story: Wherever there's a wet pussy, there's sure to
be a happy cock nearby!
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both
startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I
know you'll forgive me." She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 1221."
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the
bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young
man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir.
But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be sated next to
an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she
is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she
replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies
that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have
the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting
at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife,
"Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied,
"Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table
together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked
as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you
say...shouldwe get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat
down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly
replied,"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the
other is in your oatmeal!!!!
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