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David's Funnies
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a
stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.
He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the
crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc. So he says that he will
wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. The octopus
starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix, just rippin' it up. So the man pays
his £50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better
than Dizzie Gillespie. So the man pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman walks up with bagpipes.. He sits them down and the octopus
fumbles with it for a minute and sits it down with a confused look.
"Ha!" the Scot says. "Can't you play it?" The octopus looks up at him
and says, "Play it? I'm gonna shag it as soon as I get its pyjamas off."
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being
sized up by God...
“Well, Bill, I’m really confused on this call. I’m not
sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped
society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you
created that ghastly Windows 95.
I’m going to do something I’ve never done before. In your case,
I’m going to let you decide where you want to go!”
Bill replied, “Well, thanks, God. What’s the difference between
the two?”
God said, “I’m willing to let you visit both places briefly
if it will help you to make a decision.”
“Fine, but where should I go first?”
God said, “I’m going to leave that up to you.”
Bill said, “OK, then, let’s try Hell first.”
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear
waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in
the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature
was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
“This is great!” he told God. “If this is Hell, I REALLY
want to see Heaven!”
“Fine,” said God and off they went. Heaven was a high place
in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was
nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered
his decision.
“Hmmm, I think I prefer Hell” he told God.
“Fine,” retorted God, “as you desire.”
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
how he was doing in Hell.
When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by
demons.
“How’s everything going, Bill?” God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, “This
is awful, this is not what I expected. I can’t believe this happened.
What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women
playing in the water?”
God said, “That was the screen saver!”
After watching a rather hot love scene on cable, the husband looked over
at his wife and said, "How come you never make love to me like that?"
"Are you kidding me? Do you have any idea how much they pay those people
to do that???"
An 83-year old woman decided that she'd seen and done everything, and
the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods
of doing away with herself she came to the conclusion that the quickest and
surest way would be to shoot herself through the heart.
The trouble was, she wasn't certain about exactly where her heart was,
so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located
two inches below her left nipple.
She was later admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left
knee. (Oh My!!) LoL
One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in
her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really
frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny.
Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was.
Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but
it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
An elderly man was walking through the French countryside, admiring the
beautiful spring day, when over a hedgerow he spotted a young couple making
love in a field. Getting over his initial shock he said to himself, "Ah,
young love... ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers... C'est magnifique!", and
continued to watch, remembering the good old day's that he'd once enjoyed.
Suddenly he gasped and said, "Mais... Sacre bleu! Ze woman she is dead!"
before heading off as fast as he could to the town to tell Jean, the police
chief.
He arrived at the Police Station, out of breath, and
shouted,"Jean...Jean...zere is zis man, zis woman ... naked in farmer Gaston's
field making love."
The police chief smiled and said, "Come, come, Henri you are not so old,
remember ze young love, ze spring time, ze air, ze flowers? Ah,L'amour! Zis
is OK."
"Mais non! You do not understand, ze woman, she is dead!"
Upon hearing this, Jean, leapt up from his seat, rushed out of the station,
jumped on his push-bike, pedalled down to the field, confirmed Henri's story,
and pedalled all the way back (non-stop) to call the doctor.
He picked up the telephone and screamed, "Pierre, Pierre, ... this is
Jean, I was in Gaston's field, zere is a young couple naked having sex!"
To which Pierre replied, "Jean, I am a man of science. You must
remember...it's spring, ze air, ze flowers, Ah, L'amour! Zis is very
natural."
Jean, still out of breath, grasped in reply, "NON, you do not understand,
ze woman, she is dead!"
Hearing this, Pierre exclaimed, "Mon dieu!" grabbed his black medicine
bag, stuffed in his thermometer, stethoscope, and other tools, jumped in
his car, and drove like a madman down to Gaston's field.
After carefully examining the participants he drove calmly back to Henri
and Jean, who were waiting at the station.
When he got there, went inside, smiled patiently, and said, "Ah, mes amis,
do not worry. Ze woman, she is not dead, she is British!"
== President Clinton Puts Foot Down On Fags ==
"Fags are gross.." comments President Clinton while giving a speech two
days ago about HIV, in San Francisco. "They like to stick their Willies up
each other's asses......asses, as most of y'all probably know, are not made
for Willies!! They are for poopies!"
Apparently, Clinton hates the idea of two people of the same sex fucking
each other's brains out. Why, do you ask? "Simple," says the President, "it's
really gay..."
Despite Clinton's personal views on the homosexual lifestyle, he still
had a serious request to make of the people, difficult it may have been.
"HIV is going away, it's dying off! We aren't able to find enough of the
virus to make a cure, so I want all you buttfuckers to keep doing what you
do best, and fuck some butts, so we can spread the disease around a lil'
more, and hopefully, one day far into the future after millions of more people
have died from this dreadful infection, find a cure!"
Next week, the President is due to arrive at Little Rock Elementary School,
and talk to the kids about "Accepting The Differences Within Each Other."
A wino was sitting at a bar, quietly sobbing into his beer. A lawyer
came up and asked, "What's the problem, pal?"
The wino said, "I just found out that sperm banks pay $20 for a donation."
"So," said the lawyer, "why are you crying?"
"I've let a fortune slip through my fingers!" the wino wailed.
The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation,
the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel. Looking up from
the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"
Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began "My boyfriend likes to eat
by candlelight."
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers
meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw
a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these dam* meetings."
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