David's Funnies

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 'Real Man' Quiz

 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as
 A. Lovemaking
 B. Screwing
 C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town


 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
 both shared
 A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
 B. Your blood-test results
 C. Five tequila slammers


 3. You time your orgasm so that
 A. Your partner climaxes first
 B. You both climax simultaneously
 C. You don't miss Match of the Day.


 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is
 A. Healthy, creative love-play
 B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to
 C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need to ever find out
 about


 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
 is:
 A. The best part of the experience
 B. The second best part of the experience
 C. £100 extra


 6. Your girlfriend/wife says she's put on five pounds in the last
 month. You tell her that is:
 A. Of no importance to your affectionate feelings for her.
 B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
 C. A conservative estimate.


 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
 A. A myth.
 B. An oxymoron.
 C. Just a plain moron.

 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
 A. Appetizer is to entree.
 B. Primer is to paint.
 C. A long line is to a theme park ride.


 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
 at the end of the relationship?
 A. "I hope we can still be friends."
 B. "I'm not in at the moment, please leave a message at the tone.
 C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population:"YOU."


 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate
 A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that
 sort of intimacy.
 B. Is uptight and a waste of time
 C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.


 Evaluating Results:
 If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you
 really are a man.
 If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy, you're more
 than a little confused.
 If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

  Riddle - Answer at the end

 At the exact same time, there are two young men on opposite sides of the
  earth: One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers. The other
 is getting oral sex from a 98 year old woman. They are both thinking to
 themselves the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?

 The answer is below, but think about it.



  Answer: Sweet Jesus, don't look down!

One Liners

 Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in high school was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like ? 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first!

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and shithead's

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

"I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horse back riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters."

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35 children are enough

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

Save Your Breath... You'll need it to blow up your date!

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

"Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive."

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a-salted.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius... I told a friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I have "Schiffer Brains."

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

"How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I mixed Rogaine with Viagra... now I've got hair like Don King.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been.

HER STORY:

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.

I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything.

We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!  So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes he joins me and we make love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???....

HIS STORY:

Bad day at work.
Tired.
Got a shag though.

Accentuate the positive
Eliminate the negative
Latch on to the affirmative
and don't mess with Mr. In-Between

Once upon a time

There lived a king. The King had a
beautiful daughter, the Princess.

But the kingdom was a sad place.
There was no laughter, and no joy.
The problem was, that
everything the Princess touched would melt.
No matter what, metal, wood,
plastic...anthing she touched would melt!!

Because of this, men were afraid of her.
Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired.
What could he do to help his
beautiful daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king, "If your
daughter touches one thing that
does not melt in her hands, she
will be cured."

The King was overjoyed. The next
day, he held a competition. Any man
who could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt at her
touch, would marry her and inherit
the King's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first Prince brought a very hard
alloy of titanium.
When the Princess touched it, it
melted. The Prince went away sadly.

The second Prince brought a huge
diamond, thinking that diamond is
the hardest substance in the world
and will not melt.

But, alas, once the Princess touched
it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He
told the Princess, "Put your hand
in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The Princess did as she was told,
though she turned red.



She felt something hard. She held
it in her hand...and it did not melt!!

The King was overjoyed!
Everybody in the kingdom was
overjoyed!

And the third Prince married the
Princess and the both lived
happily ever after.


The question is?!?!?!?

What WAS the object in the Prince's pocket???
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They were M&M's, of course.
THEY melt in your MOUTH,
NOT in your HAND!!

(What were YOU thinking?)

 

 

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Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

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