David's Funnies

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According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because... 

• Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint, which was promptly chewed and licked. 

• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. 

• When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. 

• As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat. 

• We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle - tasted the same. 

• We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. 

• We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no one actually died from this. 

• We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. 

• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded. 

• We did not have Playstations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. 

• No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them. 

• We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt. 

• We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again. 

• We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue - we learned to get over it. 

• We walked to friend's homes. 

• We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever. 

• We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. 

• Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected. 

• The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that! 

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. 

And you're one of them. Congratulations! 

Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow up as real kids, before Lawyers and government regulated our lives, for our own good. 

(If you aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us). 

One for the lads!

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." 

The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice,  the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." 

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. 

Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

Paddy jumps out of the 8th floor of a building with a gun in one hand and a parrot in the other. Half way down, he looks at the parrot and blows it's head off. Having hit the floor he only has a few minutes to live. He looks up to see a Seamus stood there with two budgies in either hand. "Budgie jumping?" Paddy asks. "Yes begorrah, this freefall parrot shooting's not all it's cracked up to be is it??!"

Posh Spice was driving home one day and got caught in a really bad hailstorm, which is so bad in puts loads of tiny little dents all over the car.  The next day she took it to a garage to have it repaired.  The mechanic at the garage knew who she was and decided to have a little fun.

He told her to go home, and blow into the tailpipe really hard and all the dents would pop out.  So Posh went home, got on her knees and started blowing into the tailpipe of the car.  Nothing happened so she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. 

Later on, David Beckham came home, and upon hearing the huffing and puffing, went outside.  What are you doing? asked Becks.  Posh told him what the mechanic said about blowing down the tailpipe to get the dents out.  Beckham clearly shocked at Poshes stupidity, rolled his eyes and said 'Honey, your supposed to do the windows up first'.

THE THINGS YOU'LL ONLY DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK 

• Ask for extra-hot chilli sauce on your kebab.

• Try and get off with your best mate's girlfriend.

• Piss in your girlfriend's cupboard/out the window/anywhere except in the bathroom.

• Give a running commentary, out loud, on anything you do, even though You're alone (eg, ah'm gonna go into the kitschen, ah'm gonna get myshelf A beer, an' ah'm gonna drink it... thatsh whad am'm gonna do... etc.)

• Get a tattoo/try to tattoo yourself.

• Use classy chat-up lines like: "You've got phemoninal... phemonim... Great tits. Can I shag you?"

• Fall down open manholes.

• Chuck up in the back of taxis.

• Climb onto the roof of bus shelters - to get a better view of the stars, Man.

• Pull a moonie.

• Think it's really funny to put all your female flatmate's underwear In the freezer compartment.

• Make "punch" out of half a bottle of vodka, a bottle of red wine, and Some Strongbow.

• Drink it.

• Get thrown out of a nightclub for taking all your clothes off.

• Sing.

• Sing "Beers, beers, we want more beers, all the lads are cheerin', Get the fookin' beers in. Beers beers we want more beers" etc. To your Girlfriend's parents.

• Dance as if you are John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. And bump into Things. And break them. And not give a flying fuck about it.

• Make yourself a delicious snack of English mustard on stale white bread.

• Decide that the waste bin would look better on your head.

• Fall asleep on the stairs, with your trousers around your ankles.

• Decide to walk home, even though it's seven miles away.

• Fall asleep in a bus shelter.

• Fall asleep on the night bus and wake up at dawn, in the middle of Nowhere, having had your shoes nicked.

• Watch Seventies Hammer House of Horror films starring Patrick Mower.

• And think they're good.

• Fall asleep with a pint glass full of water on your chest, and only spill It when you wake up in the morning.

• Steal bottles of milk from doorsteps.

• Order the hottest curry on the menu.

• Ring up every woman in your address book at 2am and say, "Hi, I was just thinking about you. Maybe we should meet up. Now-ish..."

• Attempt to shag any woman who shows a passing interest in you.

• Get into a fight with a taxi driver.

• Say, "You're my best mate, you are", to people you've just met.

• Decide that you and your ex-girlfriend really should be together.

• Make a bonfire of photos of your ex-girlfriend.

• Get really emotional, put on the most morose record in your collection and weep about nothing in particular.

• Dig out you photo albums, get even more emotional, ring up old friends who've moved abroad and tell them they're your best mate ever.

THE THINGS YOU THINK YOU CAN DO WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK - But, You Can't

• Pull any woman in the room.

• Beat any man in the room in a fight.

• Do the Lambada.

• Have a coherent, in-depth discussion about politics, the trouble with women, the England football manager, etc.

• Stop dual-carriageway traffic just by holding your hand up.

• Persuade 24-hour shop owners to sell you alcohol after 11pm.

• Evade apprehension by officers of the law.

• Fall down three flights of stairs without hurting yourself.

• Do an impression of Riverdance on a narrow windows ledge five stories above the street.

• Find your house. 

WHAT A PERFECT WOMAN WOULD SAY.........

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my p@#$%!
4. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
5. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
6. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbor's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come see!
15. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother did a great job raising you.
18. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
21. Not the king mall again!, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
24. That was a great fart! Do another one!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...

20 Perks of being over 50

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.

4. People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

9. You can live without sex but not without glasses.

10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

You Want Stats!!! ......

- Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils.
- 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do.
- Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly.
- 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man.
- 91% lie regularly, so you can just throw away statistics like these based on their answers
- 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz.
- 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store.
- 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods.
- 90% believe in divine retribution (but apparently not for lying)
- 10% believe in the 10 Commandments.
- 82% believe in an afterlife.
- 45% believe in ghosts.
- 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail.
- 29% are virgins when they marry.
- 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't.
- 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item.
- Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old.
- 35% give to charity at least once a month.
- How far would you go for £10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and church. 7% would murder.
- 69% eat the cake before the frosting.
- When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.
- 22% of us skip lunch daily.
- 9% of us skip breakfast daily.
- 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds.
- Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side.
- 45% use mouthwash every day.
- 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink.
- The typical shower is 101 degrees F.
- Nearly 1/3 of UK women colour their hair.
- 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery.
- 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on.
- 58% of women paint their nails regularly.
- 33% of women lie about their weight.
- 10% claim to have seen a ghost.
- 57% have had deja vu.
- 49% believe in ESP.
- 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids.
- 44% have broken a bone.
- 14% have attended a self-help meeting.
- 15% regularly go to a shrink.
- 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home.
- 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. What's up?
- 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat.
- 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet.
- 28.1% pee in the pool. Think about that next time you go swimming!
- 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. 17% have been caught by the host... whoops, "uh.. just looking for the uh..."
- 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip it (his trousers).
- 71.6% of us eavesdrop.
- 22% are functionally illiterate. [Reminds me of the lady who said, "My son ain't illiterate. We was married two weeks before he was born!"]
- Less than 10% are trilingual.
- 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR.
- 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers.
- 56% of women do the bills in a marriage.
- 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million quid. Now, make it TWO million and half the night... : )
- 20% of us have played in a band at one time in our life.
- 40% of us have had music lessons.
- 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.
- 53% read their horoscopes regularly.
- 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary, mostly men,
- 59% of us say we're average-looking.
- Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful.
- 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us.
- 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex.
- 51% of US adults dress up for a Halloween festivity.
- On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year.
- 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends.
- 2 out of 5 have married their first love.
- The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money.
- Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand.
- 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees.
- 6% propose over the phone, [but that includes only of those who were accepted over the phone, not those who were hung up on]
- 71% can drive a gear-change car.
- 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. [Must be the over 55 crowd : ) ]
- 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light.
- 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts.
- 12% of men never use their car indicators.
- 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them.
- 25% drive after they've been drinking.
- 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
- 1 in 3 have had an extramarital affair.
- 62% think there is nothing wrong with affairs 

Stages of Parenthood

Yes, parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs from having your first:

Your Clothes

-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.



The Baby's Name

-1st baby: You pore over baby name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favourites.

-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.



Preparing for the Birth

-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

-2nd baby: You don't bother practising because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.



The Layette

-1st baby: You pre wash your new-born's clothes, colour- co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?



Worries

-1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.

-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to take your firstborn.

-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.



Activities

-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby wing, and Baby Story Hour.

-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner. 

Going Out

-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.

-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.



At Home

-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Pregnancy Q&A 

Q. Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A. Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A. Have sex once a year. 

Q. When does a woman's biological clock start ticking?
A. Right after she looks in the mirror and thinks, "On my God, crow's feet!" 

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
A. Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34 Long. 

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth. 

Q. My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A. Then the jig is up. 

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough. 

Q. My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
A. Your therapist. 

Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. 

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better. 

Q. My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A. The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip. 

Q. Does pregnancy affect a woman's memory?
A. I don't remember. 

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder. 

Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A. Depends on what your doing with them. 

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. Cause your fatter then they are. 

Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question? 

Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. 

Q. Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labour?
A. When the sex is between your husband and another woman. 

Q. What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of
pregnancy?
A. Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder. 

Q. What's the best way to get a man to give up his seat to a pregnant woman?
A. Brute force. 

Q. How do I know if my baby has dropped?
A. He/She will start crying. Be more careful! 

Q. How long is the average woman in labour?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two. 

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. 

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out your pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. 

Q. I'm modest. Once I'm in the hospital to deliver, who will see me in that delicate position?
A. Authorized personnel only---doctors, nurses, orderlies, photographers, florists, cleaning crews, journalists, etc. 

Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you. 

Q. What are forceps?
A. Giant baby tweezers. 

Q. Does anyone in this country still give birth in the fields?
A. Not on purpose.

Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy. 

Q. Does labour cause haemorrhoids?
A. Labour causes anything you want to blame it for. 

Q. Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A. When it's a girl, for starters. 

Q. Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A. In your breasts. 

Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A. Yes, baby lips.

Q. What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A. It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to breast feed. 

Q. How does one sanitize nipples?
A. Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q. What are the terrible twos?
A. Your breasts after baby feeding. 

Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks. 

Q. What is the grasp reflex?
A. The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts. 

Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q. What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
A. They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare. 

Q. What causes baby blues?
A. Tanned, hard bodied bimbos. 

Q. Nannies aren't cheap are they?
A. Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy. 

Q. What is colic?
A. A reminder for new parents to use birth control. 

Q. What are night terrors?
A. Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again. 

Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.

 

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Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

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