David's Funnies

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A man was driving happily along in his car when he was pulled over by the police. The policeman approached him and asked, "Have you been drinking, sir?"

"Why?" asked the man. "Was I all over the road?"

"No," replied the copper. "You were driving splendidly. It was that fat ugly bird in the passenger seat that gave it away."

Two aliens landed in the desert near an abandoned petrol station. They approached the pumps, and one of them said, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again, no response.

Annoyed by what he perceived as the pump's haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Earthling, we come in peace. Why do you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire."

The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you must not anger him..." But before he could finish his warning the first alien fired. The huge explosion which followed blew both of them 200 metres into the desert where they landed in a heap.

When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other and said, "What a ferocious creature! It nearly killed us both! How did you know it was so dangerous?"

The other alien answered, "If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it is this: Don't fuck with a creature that can wrap his dick around himself twice and stick in his own ear."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. There is a good looking wench sitting nearby. She looks at him a gives him a wink. He scoots over and offers her a drink, which she gratefully accepts. After a few mild pleasantries of conversation, the young lady mentions she is going through a divorce.

"You too?" says the man. Why are you getting a divorce?"

"My husband thinks I am too perverted." was her reply.

"What a coincidence -- MY wife thinks I am too perverted!" he says to her.

"She says I am too kinky when it comes to sex..."

"Wow, my husband thinks the same of me, why don't we explore this kinkyness together?"

He agrees, they finish their drinks and leave the bar. Knowing neither can go to one another's house because of their pending divorces, they drive to a remote location where they can be alone. The woman becoming quite aroused, jumps into the back seat, and takes off her clothes in anticipation of what is to come...

"Please hurry, I want to get kinky with you!" she moans from the back seat. She hears him fumble with his belt, then hears his zip come down, then finally his pants coming down. Hardly able to control herself, she is somewhat surprised when she hears him pull his pants back up, then his zip, then his belt getting fastened.

"Hey, I thought we were going to explore our kinkyness here!" she complained.

"We did.", he says, "I just shit in your handbag."

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked with a hard on and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you."

A team of sociologists have planned an experiment in isolation. They send an American, a Frenchman and a Japanese man to a deserted island, and arrange to come back and pick them up in a years time to see how they have adapted. 

The sociologists leave, and the three men decide to split up the tasks amongst themselves. 

"I'm an engineer" says American, "So I'll handle building a shelter". He turns to the Frenchman and says: "You French are pretty good cooks, why don't you handle the cooking?" The Frenchman agrees, and the American turns to the Japanese man "That leaves you to organize the supplies" he says. The Japanese man agrees and each man sets about his tasks. 

A year passes, and the sociologists return to see how the men have done. They expect to find three desperate men, unhappy with having to live on the island, but instead find a huge wooden house with verandas and porches and balconies. 

The American comes to greet them, and when they express their surprise about the house he just shrugs and says "Yeah well I had a lot of raw materials so I kind of went to town and did the place up" The teams are amazed and are shown inside to the kitchen where they're greeted with the most amazing smell of delicious food. The Frenchman sees their surprise and just shrugs "I had lots to work with" he says, "This island has loads of edible herbs and plants." 

The team sits down to eat and are about to start when one of them inquires about the Japanese man. "Oh we don't know what happened to him" explains the American, he ran off into the woods to sort out the supplies and hasn't been seen since." 

They all agree that they should find the man, and a search party is organised. 

They make it about 500 yards into the woods, when the Japanese man jumps out from behind a tree, stark naked with peacock feathers sticking out of his arse and shouts: "SUPPLIES!!!!!!!!!" 

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. ...... 

Regarding the identity of the father of my twins child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps. 

I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks 

I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced. 

I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again. 

I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country please advise. 

I do not know who the father of my child was as all squadies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my Britney Spears CDs? 

From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given] mine might have remained unfertilized.

Sexy Names

How Sexy is your Name? According to studies, the first letter of your first name reveals your sexual identity.

A You are not particularly romantic, but you are interested in action. You mean business. With you, what you see is what you get. You have no patience for flirting and can't be bothered with someone who is trying to be coy, cute, demure, and subtly enticing. You are an up front person. When it comes to sex, it's action that counts not obscure hints. Your mate's physical attractiveness is important to you. You find the chase and challenge of the "hunt" invigorating. You are passionate and sexual as well as being much more adventurous than you appear; however, you do not go around advertising these qualities. Your physical needs are your primary concern.

B You give off vibes of lazy sensuality. You enjoy being romanced, wined, and dined. You are very happy to receive gifts as an statement of the affection of your lover. You want to be pampered and know how to pamper your mate. You are private in your statement of endearments and particularly when it comes to lovemaking. You will hold off until everything meets with your approval. You can control your appetite and abstain from sex if need be. You require new sensations and experiences. You are willing to experiment.

C You are a very social individual, and it is important to you to have a relationship. You require closeness and togetherness. You must be able to talk to your sex partner before, during, and after. You want the object of your affection to be socially acceptable and good looking. You see your lover as a friend and companion. You are very sexual and sensual, needing someone to appreciate and almost worship you. When this cannot be achieved, you have the ability to go for long periods without sexual activity. You are an expert at controlling your desires and doing without.

D Once you get it into your head that you want someone, you move full steam ahead in pursuit. You do not give up your quest easily. You are nurturing and caring. If someone has a problem, this turns you on. You are highly sexual, passionate, loyal, and intense in your involvement, sometimes possessive and jealous. Sex to you is a pleasure to be enjoyed. You are stimulated by the eccentric and unusual, having a free and open.

E Your greatest need is to talk. If your date is not a good listener, you have trouble relating. A person must be intellectually stimulating or you are not interested sexually. You need a friend for a lover and a companion for a bedmate. You hate disharmony and disruption, but you do enjoy a good argument once in a while it seems to stir things up. You flirt a lot, for the challenge is more important than the sexual act for you, but once you give your heart away, you are uncompromisingly loyal. When you don't have a good lover to fall asleep with, you will fall asleep with a good book. Sometimes, in fact, you prefer a good book.

F You are idealistic and romantic, putting your lover on a pedestal. You look for the very best mate you can find. You are a flirt, yet once committed, you are very loyal. You are sensuous, sexual, and privately passionate. Publicly, you can be showy, extravagant, and gallant. You are born romantic. Dramatic love scenes are your favorite fantasy pastime. You can be a very generous lover.

G You are fastidious, seeking perfection within yourself and your lover. You respond to a lover who is your intellectual equal or superior, and one who can enhance your status. You are sensuous and know how to reach the peak of erotic stimulation, because you work at it meticulously. You can be extremely active sexually that is, when you find the time. Your duties and responsibilities take precedence over everything else. You may have difficulty getting emotionally close to a lover, but no trouble getting close sexually.

H You seek a mate who can enhance your reputation and earning ability. You will be very generous to your lover once you have attained a commitment. Your gifts are actually an investment in your partner. Before the commitment, though, you tend to be frugal in your spending and dating habits and equally cautious in your sexual involvement. You are a sensual and patient lover.

I You have a great need to be loved, appreciated... even worshipped. You enjoy luxury, sensuality, and pleasures of the flesh. You look for lovers who know what they are doing. You are not interested in an amateur, unless that amateur wants a tutor. You are fussy and exacting about having your desires satisfied. You are willing to experiment and try new modes of sexual statement. You bore easily and thus require sexual adventure and change. You are more sensual than sexual, but you are sometimes downright lustful.

J You are totally fucking marvelous! 

K You can be very romantic, attached to the glamour of love. Having a partner is of paramount importance to you. You are free in your statement of love and are willing to take chances, try new sexual experiences, provided it's all in good taste. Brains turn you on. You must feel that your partner is intellectually stimulating, otherwise you will find it difficult to sustain the relationship. You require loving, cuddling, wining, and dining to know that you're being appreciated.

L You are very romantic, idealistic, and somehow you believe that to love means to suffer. You wind up serving your mate or attracting people who have unusual troubles. You see yourself as your lover's savoir. You are sincere, passionate, lustful, and dreamy. You can't help falling in love. You really enjoy stimulating yourself, though you are fairly new to it. You fantasize and get turned on by movies and magazines. You do not tell others of this secret life, nor of your sexual fantasies. You are the ideal sex machine, seducing others with mind, eyes, body and lips.

M You are emotional and intense. When involved in a relationship, you throw your entire being into it. Nothing stops you; there are no holds barred. You are all consuming and crave someone who is equally passionate and intense. You believe in total sexual freedom. You are willing to try anything and everything. Your supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible. You also enjoy mothering your mate.

N You are crap in bed. Much practice and learning is needed.

O You are very interested in sexual activities yet secretive and shy about your desires. You can re-channel much of your sexual energy into making money and/or seeking power. You can easily have extended periods of celibacy. You are a passionate, compassionate, sexual lover, requiring the same qualities from your mate. Sex is serious business; thus you demand intensity and diversity, and are willing to try anything or anyone. Sometimes your passions turn to possessiveness, which must be kept in check.

P You are very conscious of social proprieties. You wouldn't think of doing anything that might harm your image or reputation. Appearances count, therefore, you require a good-looking partner. You also require an intelligent partner. Oddly enough, you may view your partner as your enemy; A good fight stimulates those sex vibes. You are relatively free of sexual hang-ups. You are willing to experiment and try new ways of doing things. You are very social and sensual; you enjoy flirting and need a good deal of physical gratification.

Q You require constant activity and stimulation. You have tremendous physical energy. It is not easy for a partner to keep up with you, sexually or otherwise. You are an enthusiastic lover and tend to be attracted to people of other ethnic groups. You need romance, hearts and flowers, and lots of conversation to turn you on and keep you going.

R You are a no-nonsense, action-oriented individual. You need someone who can keep pace with you and who is your intellectual equal the smarter the better. You are turned on more quickly by a great mind than by a great body. However, physical attractiveness is very important to you. You have to be proud of your partner. You are privately very sexy, but you do not brag, you are willing to serve as teacher. Sex is important; you can be a very demanding playmate.

S You are secretive, self-contained, and shy. You are very sexy, sensual, and passionate, but you do not let on to this. Only in intimate privacy will this part of your nature reveal itself. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, you are an expert. You know all the little tricks of the trade, can play any role or any game, and take your love life very seriously. You don't fool around. You have the patience to wait for the right person to come along.

T You are very sensitive, private, and sexually passive; you like a partner who takes the lead. Music, soft lights and romantic thoughts turn you on. You fantasize, but do not tend to fall in and out of love easily. When in love, you are romantic, idealistic, mushy, and extremely intense. You enjoy having your senses and your feelings stimulated, titillated, and teased. You are a great flirt. You can make your relationships fit your dreams, oftentimes all in your own head.

U You are enthusiastic and idealistic when in love. When not in love, you are in love with love, always looking for someone to adore. You see romance as a challenge. You are a roomer and need adventure, excitement, and freedom. You deal in potential relationships. You enjoy giving gifts and enjoy seeing your mate looking good. Your sex drive is strong and you desire instant ratification. You are willing to put your partner's pleasures above your own.

V You are individualistic, and you need freedom, space, and excitement. You wait until you know someone well before committing yourself. Knowing someone means psycho-ing him out. You feel a need to get into his head to see what makes him tick. You are attracted to eccentric types. Often there is an age difference between you and your lover. You respond to danger, thrills, and suspense. The gay scene turns you on, even though you yourself may not be a participant.

W You are very proud, determined, and you refuse to take no for an answer when pursuing love. Your ego is at stake. You are romantic, idealistic, and often in love with love itself, not seeing your partner as he or she really is. You feel deeply and throw all of yourself into your relationships. Nothing is too good for your lover. You enjoy playing love games.

X You need constant stimulation because you bore quickly. You can handle more than one relationship at a time with ease. You can't shut off your mind. You talk while you make love. You can have the greatest love affairs, all by yourself, in your own head.

Y You are sexual, sensual, and very independent. If you can't have it your way, you will forgo the whole thing. You want to control your relationships, which doesn't always work out too well. You respond to physical stimulation, enjoy necking and spending hours just touching, feeling and exploring. However, if you can spend your time making money, you will give up the pleasures of the flesh for the moment. You need to prove to yourself and your partner what great lover you are. You want feedback on your performance. You are an open, stimulating, romantic bedmate.

Z For you, it is business before pleasure. If you are in any way bothered by career, business, or money concerns, you find it very hard to relax and get into the mood. You can be romantically idealistic to a fault and are capable of much sensuality. But you never lose control of your emotions. You are very careful and cautious before you give your heart away and your body, for that matter. Once you make the commitment, though, you stick like glue.

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hello. Mr. Hussein" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Hart Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy" Saddam replied. "This indeed is important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 10,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top of the morning Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we had to call off the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that, said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. 

"Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. 

Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk." 

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came." 

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 " thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite. There was nothing left of Osama's dog at all.

Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, "We don't understand how this could have happened.

We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing,", said Bush. "We had Michael Jackson's plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

An eighty year old woman went to the Doctor for a check up. She was required to bring with her all types of medicine she had at home. As the Doc was looking through these he came across Birth Control pills. 

"Mrs. Smith do you realize that these are Birth Control pills"? he said. 

"Yes, they help me sleep at night." 

"But Mrs. Smith there is nothing in them that would help you to sleep!" 

"I know that, but when I grind one up each morning and put it in the glass of orange juice that my 17 year old granddaughter drinks. Believe me, It helps me sleep at night. 

WORDS WOMEN USE 

FINE 
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments. 

FIVE MINUTES 
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. 

NOTHING 
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! ) 
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine" 

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) 

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. 

LOUD SIGH 
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" 

SOFT SIGH 
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she 
will stay content. 

THAT'S OKAY 
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow." 

GO AHEAD 
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. 

PLEASE DO 
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay" 

THANKS 
A woman is thanking you. Do not ! faint. Just say you're welcome. 

THANKS A LOT 
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing" 

Send this to the men you know to warn them about future arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology 

And send it to your women friends to give them a good laugh! 

A Blonde's Cooking Diary: 

Monday 
Today I made an angel cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. My neighbours were kind enough to lend me some spare bowls. 

Tuesday 
I made a fruit salad for supper today. It said serve without dressing. So I didn't. Which was a nice surprise when Rob brought a friend home for dinner. 

Wednesday 
Wednesday is a good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath all the same. I can't say it improved the rice much though. 

Thursday 
I have found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe as when I got back nothing had happened. 

Friday 
Rob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. For some reason he keeps counting to ten. 

Saturday 
I have come across a new recipe book. If only I could get a bigger oven I could surprise Rob with a chocolate moose. 

Sunday 
Rob's parents came for dinner today. I wanted to serve a roast. All I could find was a hamburger. Suddenly, with a flash of genius I put the hamburger into the oven on the "roast" setting. Disappointingly, it was still a hamburger. 

An older woman can wear any hat she chooses and nobody will laugh. A younger woman wearing the same hat will always look like a lampshade in a brothel. 

An older woman will never wake you up in the middle of the night & ask you, "What are you thinking?" An older woman doesn't care what you think. 

An older woman is a cheaper date. A younger woman will cost you 12 beers, but an older woman will sleep with you after a cup of a herbal tea. 

The older a woman gets, the stronger her libido gets and the older a man gets, the weaker his libido gets... which is why nature intended young guys to go out with older women and young women to go out with older men. 

An older woman can wear bright red lipstick during the day without looking like she just had an adventure inside a jam jar. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. 

Older women can run faster because they're always wearing sensible shoes. 

Older women are more honest. An older woman will tell you that you are an idiot if you're acting like one. A young woman will say nothing, just in case it means you might break up with her. An older woman puts herself on a pedestal. 

An older woman will never get pregnant and then suddenly demand that the two of you get married. In fact, if you impregnate an older woman, you will probably be the last to know... 

Older women have jobs with dental plans. Younger women can't help you when your teeth get knocked out playing rugby. 

An older woman will never accuse you of "using her." She's using you. 

Older women take charge of the situation. An older woman will call you up and ask you for a date. A younger woman will wait forever, by the phone, for you to call... 

Older women know how to cook. Young women know how to dial Pizza Hut Take out. 

An older woman will introduce you to all of her girlfriends. A younger woman will avoid her girlfriends when she's with you, in case you get any ideas. 

Older women are psychic. You never have to confess to having an affair, because somehow they always know. 

Older women often own an interesting collection of lingerie that they have acquired from admirers over the years. Young women often don't wear underpants at all, thus practically eliminating all possibility of a strip-tease. 

Older women are dignified. They are beyond having a screaming match with you in the middle of the night in a public park. 

Older women are experienced. They understand that sometimes, after 12 beers, a boy just can't get it up. A younger woman may need some time to grasp this fact. 

An older woman will always meet the minimum height requirement to go on an amusement ride. 

News reports have filtered out early this morning that US forces have swooped on an Iraqi primary school and detained teacher Mohammed Al-Hazar.

Sources indicate that, when arrested, Al-Hazar was in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. US President George W Bush argued that this was clear and overwhelming evidence that Iraq did possess weapons of maths instruction.

Did you know.... 

*Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there. 

*Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. 

*The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as substitute for blood plasma. 

*No piece of paper can be folded in half more than 7 times. 

*Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. 

*You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. 

*Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older. 

*The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. 

*The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache. 

*A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight. 

*American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. 

*Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. 

*Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. 

*The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets. 

*Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin. 

*The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. 

*Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. 

*Marilyn Monroe had six toes. 

*All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public. 

*Walt Disney was afraid of mice. 

*Pearls melt in vinegar. 

*Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married. 

*The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. 

*It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. 

*A duck's quack doesn't echo and no one knows why. 

*The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases. 

*Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second was William Jefferson Clinton. 

*Turtles can breathe through their butts. 

*Butterflies taste with their feet. 

*In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined. 

*On average, 100 people choke to death on ball-point pens every year. 

*On average people fear spiders more than they do death. 

*Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants. 

*Elephants are the only animals that can't jump. 

*Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. 

*Women blink nearly twice as much as men. 

*It's physically impossible for you to lick your elbow. 

*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. 

*A snail can sleep for three years. 

*No word in the English language rhymes with "MONTH." 

*Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches. 

*Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. SCARY!!! 

*The electric chair was invented by a dentist. 

*All polar bears are left handed. 

*In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies, including their eyebrows and eyelashes. 

*An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 

*TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 

*"Go," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. 

*If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts. 

*A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out. 

*The cigarette lighter was invented before the match. 

*Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day. 

*Almost everyone who reads this email will try to lick their elbow.

 

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Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

Dirtydavid also brings you dirty-david.co.uk, the home of the genuine UK swinger. For other genuine UK swinging sites check out http://genuine-london-swingers.com or if you live in the northwest try http://manchester-swingers.com . Next time you are heading for Spain on holiday, and want to meet with some genuine Spanish swingers, try http://swingers-in-spain.com . If you are heading for the United States of America and want to meet genuine American swingers try http://123couples.com or for genuine Canadian swingers try http://dirtydavid.ca . When looking for genuine Australian Swingers try http://swingdownunder.com