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David's Funnies
Peace Talks... Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of
Saddam's chair. They begin talking.
After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and
punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot
comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of
peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates,
he's finally had enough. I'm headin' back to Washington!" he calmly tells the Iraqi.
"We'll finish these talks in two weeks in Washington!" A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks.
As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's retaliation.
They begin talking and George presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but
again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, but again nothing happens.
Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
George W. says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
A man is lying in bed in
hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to
sponge his face and hands.
"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"
Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash
your face and hands."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and
hands."
The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught, so
she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he
mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"
Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the
bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had
a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced,
"Nothing wrong with them!"
At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test
results back???"
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out
to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants..... 'I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits' he says..... 'You dirty git' shouts the barmaid 'get out before I get my husband.'..... The bloke
apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants..... 'I want to pull your pants down, spread
yogurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off' he says..... 'You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out!!' she storms..... Again, the bloke
apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. 'One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now - what do you want?'..... 'I want to turn you upside down, open your pussy and fill it with Guinness, and then drink every last drop'.... The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly. 'What's up love?' he asks.... 'There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off', she says..... 'I'll kill him. Where is he?' storms the husband..... 'Then he said he wanted to pour
yogurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off' she screams.... 'Right. He's dead' says the husband, reaching for a cricket bat..... 'Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all' she cries.... The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on..... 'Aren't you going to do something about it?' she cries hysterically 'Look love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Guinness...'
A fellow walked into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor made a physical examination and listened to the symptoms, and concurred with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow to start treatment. And bring a banana and a cookie with you." said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complied and returned the next day with a banana and a cookie.
The doctor then said, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although stunned by the turn of events, the patient dropped his pants and bent over. The doctor peeled the banana and with one deft motion rammed it up the guy's ass. While the doctor consulted his watch, our hero danced around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if you truly want to get rid of this tapeworm." advised the doctor.
Despite the pain, the patient did want to be cured and so complied with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor took the cookie and rammed IT up the patient's ass.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie." said the doctor. The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nodded his head.
The next day, the same routine ensued. First the doctor rammed up a banana, waited exactly one minute, then rammed up the cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next. Every day up went a banana, waited one minute, then up went the cookie.
After one full week of treatment, the doctor finally said, "Well, tomorrow is the last day of treatment. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asked the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer." confirmed the doctor.
On the last day, the doctor said, "Okay, you know the routine". So the man dropped his pants and bent over. UP went the banana, and the doctor looked at his watch and picked up the hammer. One minute passed. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes passed.
Finally, a little head poked out of the patient's ass.
"WHERE'S MY COOKIE?!"
**WHAM**
A New Pepsi Product!
Pfizer Corp. is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims: It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call
this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old fashioned stiff drink.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount And Do.
Also, just something to think about. The long term implications of drugs and medical procedures must be fully considered. Over the past
few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than was spent on Alzheimer's Disease research.
It is believed that by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering around with huge breasts and erections who can't
remember what to do with them.
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school and steps into one of the classes (4th grade). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like co-lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the President leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over,that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If an American Air Force plane, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss."
Matthew Kelly was on a ship with 100 boy scouts and 100 girl guides when it hit an iceberg and started to sink. The captain announced "We're sinking!
Everyone abandon ship!"
Matthew Kelly asked, "What about the children?"
The captain replied, "fcuk the children!"
Matthew Kelly looked around eagerly and said "Do we have time?"
What is the worst thing about being Matthew Kelly?
You have to go to bed before 7.00
How do you know when it is bedtime at Matthew Kellys house?
When the big hand touches the small hand
Have you heard about Matthew Kelly's New Book?
It's called, "The In's and Out's of Child Rearing
Have you heard? Matthew Kelly has pulled out of Children In Need...
What's the difference between Matthew Kelly and acne?
Acne doesn't come on your face until you're thirteen.
Matthew Kelly is off to Florida on holiday this year
He's going to Tampa with the kids.
What was Matthew Kellys defence in court.
He was only kidding.
Matthew Kelly and his wife are in Blockbuster to hire a video for the evening. Mr. Kelly's missus asks him what he wants to watch. He says "How about we get Aladdin ?". His girlfriend says........
"Can't we just get a video, you're in enough trouble already."
Apparently Matthew Kelly thought Boyz II Men was a delivery service.
The similarity between Matthew Kelly, Gary Glitter and whisky?
They all come in small tots.
What do you do if Matthew Kelly is drowning?
Throw him a buoy!
Why was Matthew Kelly spotted at Marks & Sparks?
He heard boys pants were half-off!
Matthew Kellys Lawyer is talking to him in the cells at the Old Bailey just after he has been found guilty on 26 charges of pedophilia. "Alright. You got 4 months but look on the bright side. You'll be out in time for half term"
Listen up Guys!!!!!!!
The column reprinted below was entitled "Suddenly Senior" and was written by a man. A very perceptive man!
He says, "As I grow in age, I value older women most of all. Here are just a few reasons why.
An older woman will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
An older woman knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 50 give
a damn what you might think about her.
An older single woman usually has had her fill of "meaningful relationships" and "commitment." The last thing she needs in her life is another
dopey, clingy, whiny, dependent lover!
Older women are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you
deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.
Most older women cook well. They care about cleanliness and are generous with praise, often undeserved.
An older woman has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend
because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Older women couldn't care less.
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to an older woman. They always know.
An older woman looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, an older woman is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Her libido's stronger, her fear of pregnancy gone.
Her experience of lovemaking is honed and reciprocal and she's lived long enough to know how to please a man in ways her daughter could never
dream of. (Young men, you have something to look forward to.)
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off you are a jerk if you are acting like one.
Yes, we praise older women for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed babe of 70 there
is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress.
Ladies, I apologize for all of us. That men are genetically inferior is no secret. Count your blessings that we die off at a far younger age,
leaving you the best part of your lives to appreciate the exquisite woman you've become, without the distraction of some demanding old fart clinging and
whining his way into your serenity."
CHILDREN'S INTERPRETATION OF GOD
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now.
Ginny
Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Joyce
Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet
Dear - God
If we come back as something, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton -because I hate her.
Denise
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).
Dear God,
I read the Bible. What does begat mean? Nobody will tell me.
Love, Alison
Dear God,
How did you know you were God?
Charlene
Dear God,
Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita
Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan
Dear God:
Did you really mean Do Unto Others As They Do Unto You, because if you did then I'm going to fix my brother.
Darla
Dear God,
I like the story about Chanuka the best of all of them. You really made up some good ones.
Glenn
Dear God,
My Grandpa says you were around when he wa a little boy. How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis
Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan
Dear God,
It's o.k. that you made different religions but don't you get mixed up sometimes?
Arnold
Dear God,
Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma
Dear God,
In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer
Dear God,
What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.
Jane
Dear God,
How come you did all those miracles in the old days and don't do any now?
Seymour
Dear God,
Please send Dennis Clark to a different camp this year.
Peter
Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother.
Larry
Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring but it never did come yet. Don't forget.
Mark
Dear God,
You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways.
Dean
Dear God,
My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right.
Marsha
Dear God,
If you watch in Church on Sunday I will show you my new shoes.
Mickey D.
Dear God,
Is Reverend Coe a friend of yours, or do you just know him through business?
Donny
Dear God,
In Sunday School they told us what you do. Who does it when you are on Vacation?
Jane
Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stoled your Idea.
Sincerely, Donna
Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well, I just want you to know but I am not just saying that because you are God.
Charles
Dear God,
It is great the way you always get the Stars in the right places.
Jeff
Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Frank
Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was Cool.
Eugene
A man goes to a doctor to get these horrible headaches treated. After
examining the man the doctor tells him that the only way to get rid of his headaches is to get his testicles cut off because they are pressing
against his spinal chord. Very distraught, the man agrees that anything is better
than the headaches.
Four weeks later, after a successful operation and recovery, the man feels physically great, but depressed, so he decides to do something that will
make him feel better. He chooses to buy some designer suits that will boost his morale and his image.
He goes downtown to a high dollar men's shop, and as he's looking around, a salesman asks him if he's in the market for a designer suit or two. And the
man is surprised, but he nods and the salesman says, I'm sure you'll like this new line we just got. You probably wear size 32"- 29" slacks, jacket
size 42 long and shirt size 16 34-35.
The man is dumbfounded, and he asks, how did you know that? The sales man says, I do this for a living, it's my job. Then the salesman says, I can
tell that you like blue, and that you have a preference for pinstripes. The man is totally surprised and says, Well yes, that is all absolutely correct!
How could you know all that? And the salesman just says, well, it's my job to know, I'm a professional.
So the man tries the suit that the salesman picked, and sure enough it fits like a glove and he loves the color and the fabric. The man says, you are
something else! You picked exactly what I wanted and it couldn't fit better!
The salesman then says, how about some shoes? I can tell that you wear a 9 ? AA shoe, and you prefer black wingtips. The man is just amazed by now. How
could you possibly know those things? And the salesman tells him that he's just doing his job. He tries the shoes on and they look and fit great.
The man is feeling very good by now and he says, now all I need is some underwear. So the salesman says, sure, you wear size 32 boxer style
underwear, and the man then says, NO! I got you! I've been wearing size 28 brief style underwear for the past 20 years! And the salesman says, well I
would really advise you not to do that. You can get some wicked headaches that way.
A man goes to the Dr and says " Doctor I have
a problem... I KNOW I am not gay, but... everytime look at myself in the
mirror.. I get a hard-on....." the doctor says..." that's
because you look like a cunt "
At Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched
out to Air Force One and President Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.
They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th
century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering
Britons lining the streets, all is going well.
But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of
gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire (including Bermuda, Tortola and the Falkland
Islands.) It shakes the coach.
Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then
the Queen decides to explain. She turns to President Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my
regrets... I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
George W., ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought......You
know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
The Pope and the Queen of England are on the same stage at an Anglican and Catholic commemoration. The crowd is huge. Her Majesty and His Holiness can't help but have a little rivalry -- both being figureheads and all.
The Queen says to the Pope, "Did you know that with just one little wave of my hand, I can make every English person in the crowd go wild?" He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the royal-gloved wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Englishman in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by someone wearing a worse frock and hat than he, considers what he could do. So the Pope says to the Queen, "Your Majesty, that was impressive. But did you know that with one little wave of MY hand I can make every Irish person in the crowd go crazy with joy? Their joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will speak forever of this day and rejoice -- they will recount it to their grandchildren and they to their descendants."
The Queen seriously doubts this, and says so... "One little wave of your hand and all Irish people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her
Day 1
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I don't know!
I mean, he actually thinks I haven't noticed.
Day 3
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson's Column and burst into tears.
Day 4
A miracle has happened! There's a new drug on the market that will fix his 'problem'. It's called Viagra. I told him that if
he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping to lift something other than his
mood.
Day 5
What absolute bliss!!.
Day 6
Isn't life wonderful but it's difficult to write while he's doing that.
Day 7
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I'd like a Whopper. He thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it's very
nice - I don't think I've ever been so happy.
Day 8
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed wacker. I'm also getting a bit sore down there.
Day 9
No time to write. He might catch me.
Day 10
Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with neat whisky!
What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over....
Day 11
I'm basically being screwed to death. It's like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He's a complete pig.
Day 12
I wish he was gay. I've stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous...
Day 13
Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack! It's like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that "Oops, sorry" thing again, I'll kill the bastard.
Day 14
I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me!
Day 15
I think I'll have to kill him. I'm starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won't go near him and our friends don't come over any more.
Last night I told him to go and **** himself and he did.
Day 16
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.
Day 17
Switched the pills but it doesn't seem to have made any difference...Christ!
Here he comes again!
Day 18
He's back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!
As Giorgio walks to work each day, he passes a shoe store. He looks in
the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He decides that he must have them, even though they cost $300.00. He
saves for over three months and is finally able to purchase them.
Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance in the church basement, so Giorgio decides to wear his new Bocelli
leather shoes to the dance.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes."
Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says , "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rosa answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do,
but how do you know that?"
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"
Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played. Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face
turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true,"
Carmella answers, " Yes, Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight."
Giorgio gasps and says, "Thanka God... I thought I had a crack in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes.
ETHEL
Ethel is a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loves to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors.
Because she and her fellow residents are one sandwich short of a picnic,
they all tolerate each other, some of the males actually join in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad Mike
stepped out of his room with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he said in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held
it up to him.
"OK" he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird William popped
out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a beer coaster and held it up to him.
William nodded and said, "Carry on, madam."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Bonkers Brian
stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizeable (for his age) erection in his hand.
"Oh, no!" said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"
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