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David's Funnies
"A Husband's Revenge"
A man walks into a pharmacy and wonders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. she directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says ,confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Sooooo much cheaper. So if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!
DICTIONARY FOR AOL WOMENS PROFILES:
40-ish....................49
Adventurer................Slept with all your friends
Athletic..................No tits
Average looking...........Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful.................Pathological liar
BBW..........Grossly fat and damn ugly
Contagious Smile..........Does a lot of Ecstasy
Educated..................Banged her Political Science professor
Emotionally Secure....... Medicated
Feminist..................Fat ballbuster
Free spirit...............Junkie
Friendship first..........Trying to live down reputation as a slut
Fun.......................Annoying
Gentle....................Comatose
Good Listener.............Borderline Autistic
New-Age...................All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned.............Lights out, missionary position only, no BJs
Open-minded...............Desperate
Outgoing..................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate................Sloppy drunk
Poet......................Depressive Schizophrenic
Professional..............Certified Bitch
Redhead...................Bad dye-job
Reubenesque........... ...Grossly Fatter than a BBW
Romantic..................Looks better by candle light
Social....................Been passed around like an horsdoeuvres tray
Voluptuous................Very Fat
Wants Soulmate............Stalker
Widow.....................Drove first husband to shoot himself
Young at heart........... Old bat
50 THINGS WOMEN CAN'T DO
1. know anything about cars, other than the colour
2. understand a plot of a film
3. go 24 hours without texting someone
4. build a shed
5. throw
6. run
7. park
8. break wind
9. read a map
10. rob a bank
11. resist IKEA
2. sit still
13. tell a joke
14. play pool
15. pay for dinner
16. eat a kebab whilst walking
17. wee out of a train window
18. argue without shouting
19. get told off without crying
20. understand fruit machines
21. walk PAST a shoe shop
22. make a decent bacon sandwich
23. not comment on a strangers clothes
24. use small amounts of toiler paper
5. let you sleep when you have a hangover
6. drink a pint GRACEFULLY
27. pay for a round
28. throw a punch
29. do magic
30. like your friends
31. enjoy a naughty film
32. admit that men ARE better drivers
33. eat a phal curry
34. get to the point
35. buy plain envelopes
36. take less than 20 minutes using the toilet
37. sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying im cold
38. go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
39. avoid credit card debt
40. dive into a pool
41. assemble furniture
42. form a GOOD rock group
43. set a video recorder
44. not try and change you
45. watch a war film
46. understand why flirting results in violence
47. spend a day on their own
48. go to the toilet on their own
49. buy a purse that actually fits in a pocket
50. choose a video quickly
Blowjob Etiquette (by a female)
1. First and foremost, we are not obliged to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on
your dick?
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel
particularly obliged to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.
9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the
future.
12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good
at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either
sympathise or brag.
16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
A Man's thoughts on Fellatio AKA Rebuttal Etiquette (by a male)
1. First of all, yes you're obliged to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.
3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?
4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.
5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!
6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.
7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.
8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.
9. Play with the balls.
10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.
11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!
12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and are looking for some action, I guarantee it'll be
"sound asleep."
13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and the Queen Mum arrive at
the Pearly gates, St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they
each have to put forward their case for entry.
Freddie says, "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some
mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the
world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous
songs, making heaven a far happier place to be"
"Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"
Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I will
completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherub to
the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and
that will make heaven a much happier place"
"Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Queen Mum?"
The Queen Mum does not say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down
her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her fanny, lets the
water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor.
"Excellent, you're in" says St Peter
"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say
anything"
"Fred you know the rules," says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a
pair of Queens..."
FLORIDA ALLIGATOR WARNING
Due to the drought in Florida, the following caution was issued:-
The Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising hikers, hunters, anglers, and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for
alligators while in Osceola and Orange Counties.
They advise people to carry noise-producing devices such as car keys or wear little bells on their
clothing to alert but not startle the alligators unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with an
alligator.
It is also a good idea to watch for fresh signs of alligator activity. People should recognize the
difference between small, young alligator and large, adult alligator droppings. Young alligator droppings are smaller and contain fish bones
and possibly bird feathers. Adult alligators droppings have car keys and little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Blond bimbo thought it a good idea to prove once and for all
that not all blonds are dumb! So she decided to paint out the house
while her old man was at work.
When her other half came home from work and smelt the paint,
he found his wife laying in the middle of the room poring of sweat! She
was wearing her fur coat and her rain mak over the top. He asked her
'Why are you wearing two coats?' After a while she replied 'It says on
the paint tin, For best results put on two coats'.
Two men were adrift in a lifeboat, following a
dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the
boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping
that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of
the castaways, one did come forth. This particular Genie, however, stated that
she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much
thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into
beer!" Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and
the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom. Only the gentle lapping of
beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their
circumstances. The other man looked disgustedly at the one whose wish had been
granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now
we're going to have to pee in the boat."
Dear Tide,
I have always used your product ever since my college days, because mom says it
was the best. One weekend about a month ago, I was at my girlfriend's place,
wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my
white shirt. She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to
another, and soon I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried
washing it with her detergent, and it just didn't do the trick. So, on my way
home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed
the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive! I can't praise
your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to
send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags...
Thanks again!
John Smith
Female/Male Dictionary
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing rugby without a jockstrap.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n. Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes ''look bigger.'' Male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.
Add It Up: Relationship Guide
For all you men out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system.
Simple Duties:
You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20
Saturday Night - Stars in their Eyes.
A young man in a wheelchair rolls on to the stage, and Matthew Kelly introduces him as Simon.
MK: "It's very brave you coming out here in your wheelchair, can you tell the audience what happened?"
Simon: "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really big accident. Unfortunately, my uncle was killed outright, but I
survived, trapped in the car for 6 hours and had to be cut free. The doctors had me
in surgery for 12 hours, but they couldn't save my legs."
MK: "That's terrible, but I see you have legs now, are they artificial?"
Simon: "No, Matthew, whilst in hospital, the doctors advised me that the uncle who had been in the car with me had passed away, but that
his legs were fine, and that with all the advances in medical science, they could graft his legs onto my body. I have been having physiotherapy
for 6 months, and I hope to be walking again by the end of the year."
Much applause.
MK: "That's fantastic. So, who are you going to be?"
Simon: "Tonight Matthew I will be....
?
?
?
Simon and half uncle.
LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work
early.
One day the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her
son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a
dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to
her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door
and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early
again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his
accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in
their conversation, Howard turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?" and he replies SEX!!!"
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just
held it for a while." "Well, I can oblige", says Mildred, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Howard's manhood.
Then, one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K.
She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Howard's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?!?"
Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
Driving to the office this morning on the M4, I looked over to my left
and here was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 85 MPH per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so much, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using
my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!!!
BLOODY WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in
the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device... a vibrator... soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She goes completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: "I'll explain the toy. If you explain the kids."
A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his girlfriend's birthday and as
they had not been dating for very long he decided after careful consideration that a pair of gloves would strike the right note,
thoughtful, but not too personal. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, he went to
Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself at the same time. During the wrapping, the
shop assistant mixed up the items, the sister got the gloves and the young man got the panties. Without checking the contents, the man sent the parcel to
his girlfriend with the following note:
" I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when you go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove."
"These are a delicate shade, the shop assistant I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks, and they were
hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me, and although they were a little tight, they looked really smart. She told me that the material
helps to keep her ring clean and shiny, in fact she hasn't had to wash it since she began wearing them."
"I wish I could put them on for you, as no doubt, many other hands will touch them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them
off, remember to blow into them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing."
"Just think how many times my lips will kiss them in the coming year. I
hope that you will wear them for me on Friday night."
All my love
Timmy
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
The spark was lost in a bloke's marriage and he wanted to rekindle it.
One night he came home late from work and found his wife asleep
in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do?
I know...." he proceeded to get under the covers and go down on his wife. Soon
she begins to squirm and moan with pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstacy as she climaxed.
The man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He found his wife shaving her legs. He
exclaimed "what are you doing here?!"
"Ssssshhhh!" she said, pointing at the bed "you'll wake your mother!"
A small, rural wild animal park in Arkansas had acquired a very
rare kind of female gorilla. Within a few weeks, Miz Gorilla became very difficult to
handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem--the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas
of that family available in the park.
While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part time intern of the redneck persuasion, who was
responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed possessed little sense, but ample desire and a reputation for his ability to
satisfy all kinds of females. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution to their Miz Gorilla problem.
Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to
think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only on three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The park administrators quickly agreed and asked about his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life.
The psychiatrist asked her many questions but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems.
Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"
"Well, yes, I did once."
"Well, how did he look?"
"Very angry."
At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, Well that's very interesting, we must look into this further.
Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual; how did it occur that you saw his face that time?"
"He was looking through the window at us."
Dear Tech Support,
I recently upgraded from Boyfriend 5.2 to Husband 1.0 and I'm having some
problems. Husband 1.0 has trouble running many of my old applications, Jewellery
2.4 and Flowers 3.1 don't work at all anymore and Romance 3.5 loads, but with
errors. Husband 1.0 also has other features that I don't understand, like
Football & Cricket 2002 and Beer 5.5 that run in the background taking up a
significant amount of system resources.
Husband 1.0 also seems to bog down with processor intensive applications like
Chores 2.1 and Listening 3.0. There are times when I'm so frustrated with
Husband 1.0 I don't want to go near my computer, but I'm still addicted to Sex
6.9 so I'm trying my best to deal with it.
Unfortunately Sex 6.9 doesn't work as well in Husband 1.0 either and I'm
thinking of formatting my hard drive and starting over with Boyfriend 4.0, as
Boyfriend 5.2 will not install because it refuses to format any files from the
Husband 1.0 upgrade.
Help!
Sincerely,
Computer Babe
Dear Computer Babe,
Forget about Boyfriend 4.0, it was a flawed program that should never have made
it to market. Boyfriend 5.2 is much better and its upgrade, Husband 1.0 is a
good operating system. The only serious issues with Husband 1.0 that we know of
centre around its firewall (if you're not careful someone can compromise your
system with Tramp 1.2 and that's always trouble) but from what you've told us it
doesn't seem as though you've been hacked.
To fix most of the problems you describe, we suggest installing the Internet
Lover patch. Internet Lover 1.0 can be downloaded at xxx.com for free and it's
easy to use. Internet Lover won't do anything about Flowers 3.1 or Jewellery
2.4, but it will optimize Sex 6.9 and fix the errors you've been seeing in
Romance 3.5.
Football & Cricket 2002 and Beer 5.5 are built into the Husband 1.0
operating system and cannot be removed. Yes, they take up system resources but
just ignore them and your computer will run fine. The Mother In Law 1.0 cleaner
program claims to be able to remove them but from our experience it just causes
the system to crash.
As for Flowers 3.1 and Jewellery 2.4, try the Tears 2.2 patch. It's a cheap
program but it sometimes does the trick. If that doesn't work and you can't live
without Flowers 3.1 and Jewellery 2.4, you will have to scrap Husband 1.0 and go
with the more expensive but less user-friendly Sugar Daddy 1.0 operating system.
It's a matter of choice, but most people find Sugar Daddy 1.0 to be a pain in
the ass.
If you have any more questions or concerns do not hesitate to send us another
email.
Sincerely,
Tech Support
Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers
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