David's Funnies

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TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

* Pass My Shotgun
* Psychotic Mood Shift
* Perpetual Munching Spree
* Puffy Mid Section
* People Make Me Sick
* Provide Me with Sweets
* Pardon My Sobbing
* Pimples May Surface
* Pass My Sweatpants
* Pissy Mood Syndrome
* Plainly; Men Suck
* Pack My Stuff
* Permanent Menstrual Syndrome

.......They forgot my favorite one......

* Potential Murder Suspect
Men have NGR-------NOTHING GOES RIGHT

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE C21st WHEN: 

• Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do not have e-mail addresses. 

• You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 

• You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, & asks; What's for dinner? 

• Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. 

• You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year. 

• You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. 

• Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver. 

• You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home. 

• Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bottom of the screen. 

• You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid. 

• Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go get it. 

• Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and take planning. 

• Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car. 

• You just tried to enter your password on the microwave. 15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow. 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet. 

• Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes. 

• You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person. 

• You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls. 

• You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one. 

• You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee. 

• You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check you E-mail on your way back to bed. 

• You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :-) 

• You're reading this. 

• Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else. 

You see, women have brains after all.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauted frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don't f***ing think so.

AMISH VIRUS:

You have just received the Amish Virus. 

Since we have neither electricity nor computers, you are on the honor system. 

Please delete all of your files.

Thank thee.

Chapter 1: GAMES FOR WHEN YOU ARE OVER 60 

• 1. Sag, You're it. 

• 2. Pin the Toupee on the Bald Guy. 

• 3. 20 Questions shouted into your good ear. 

• 4. Kick the bucket. 

• 5. Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over. 

• 6. Doc Goose. 

• 7. Simon says something incoherent. 

• 8. Hide and go pee. 

• 9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta. 

• 10. Musical recliners. 

Chapter 2: SIGNS OF BEING OVER 60 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!" 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot. 

• "OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee. 

Irish Confession 

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman."

The priest sighs. "Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father,' tis I."

"And who might be the woman you were with?"

"I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well
tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Lisa O'Shanter?"

"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."

"Was it Cathy O'Dell?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Fiona Mallory, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.. "
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Five more good leads!" says Tommy.

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

You Are What You Drink 

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results: 

Drink:	Beer
Personality:	Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach:	Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink:	Blender Drinks
Personality:	Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach:	Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink:	Mixed Drinks
Personality:	Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach:	You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink:	Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality:	Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach:	Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink:	White Zinfandel
Personality:	Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually she has NO clue.
Your Approach:	Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.
Drink:	Shots
Personality:	Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach:	Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
Drink:	Tequila
	No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----  The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer:	He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:	He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine:	He's hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey:	He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila:	He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel:	He's gay

A woman was helping her computer-illiterate husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to choose and enter a password, something he will use to log on. 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in, "p...e...n...i...s". 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: 

***** PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH. ***** 

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? 
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. 

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? 
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. 

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me? 
A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables. 

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. 

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? 
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good. 

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer? 
A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you'll probably stress yourself to death in record time. 

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? 

Q: What's the secret to healthy eating? 
A: Thicker gravy. 

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle? 
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

Q: Is chocolate bad for me? 
A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans... Another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around! 

I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. "When life hands you lemons, ask for a bottle of tequila and salt." 

MEN JUST NEVER LEARN

A husband and wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week, the husband realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:oo AM.

The next morning the husband woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

(MEN JUST AREN'T EQUIPPED FOR THESE SORT OF CONTESTS)

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?", she whisper's as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?".

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do" she replies.

The husband paused, the words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued...... "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years"?

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said,

"I would have gotten out today"...

After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her genitals were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.

Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses

at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them" 

"Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".

"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy.

"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".

"Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem; he was unable to get his penis erect. 

The doctor told him that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a previous viral infection and that there was nothing he could actually do for him. 

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissues from an elephant's trunk into the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go try out his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

However, in the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his flies and his penis immediately sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and then returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said, "that was incredible! Can you do it again?" 

With his eyes watering, he replied, "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can fit another bread roll up my arse..."

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings." 

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings." 

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised devours the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs." 

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs." 

.........You're gonna love this............. 

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate." 

100 men were asked what they liked most about oral sex. 
99% said the 10 minutes silence. 

The local paper in Leeds carried an advert for the job of "fanny shaver" A young hopeful rings the number shown, and the man who answers the phone asks him some questions. "First things first" he says, "Are you single?" "Oh yes", says the applicant. 

"That's good," says the man, "we've had a lot of trouble in the past with people who are married. Their wives get annoyed. Secondly, do you have a current ten year passport?" "Yes" says the young applicant. "Brilliant" says the man. "Often we find that people have a problem with traveling all over the globe. They seem to find the strain of jetting from LA to Milan to New York staying at top class hotels a bit too much too take." 

"oh no, not me," says the young hopeful "I love to travel" "Great" says the man. "And what about super models? Do you think you'd have a problem getting close to some of the most beautiful women in the world? You might even have to party with them and keep them company. How would you deal with that?" 

"I'd be fine," says the applicant. "I love talking to women and I don't thing I'd be intimidated at all." 

Excellent, says the man.. "Now what about the shaving of the fanny? Would you get flustered peeling bikini bottoms off beautiful women, foaming them up and shaving their pubic regions? This sort of intimacy can make a man all fingers and thumbs you know." 

"No way," says the young man. "I have no problem with nudity or intimacy with gorgeous women. I'd be both discreet and charming." 

Well, says the man. "you sound as if you could be just right for the job. I'll post you a coach ticket to Croydon." 

Is that where my first job will be? asks the hopeful applicant. 

"Oh no," says the man, "That's where the queue for interviews start" 

There is a date rape drug going around called "beer" and it is generally in liquid form. 

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them. 

The shocking statistic is that "beer" is available virtually anywhere! 

All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex 

Men are literally rendered helpless against such attacks. 

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. 

Men often awaken after being given "beer" with only hazy memories of exactly what has happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. 

At other times these unfortunate men might be stung for their life's worth in a familiar scam know as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and have already been sexually attacked. 

Please! Forward this to every male you know.......... 

However, if you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with a bunch of similarly-affected like-minded guys. 

For the nearest support group near you just look up 'Public House' in the yellow pages. 

A blonde went into a world-wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas. 
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: " I don't have any money - but I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother". 
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) "Anything?" he asked. 
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised. 
"Well then, just follow me," said the man as he walked towards the next room. 
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man. 
"Come in and close the door," the man said. 
She did. 
He then said, "Now get on your knees". 
She did. 
"Now take down my zipper". 
She did. 
"Now go ahead ... take it out ...." he said. 
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands ... then paused. 
The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well... go ahead". 
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it... and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said........... 
"Hello mum, can you hear me?" 

Just after Lorenna Bobit brutally cut off her husband's penis, she jumped into her car and sped away. 
On her way down the highway, holding her husbands penis in her hand, she decided to throw it out the window. 
She opened her window and tossed the penis as far as she could and sped away again. 
Meanwhile two locals who were driving down the same highway happened to cross right by Lorenna just as she tossed it out the window and the penis hit their windshield smack dab in the middle. Stunned but still quiet the two locals drove on. 
About three miles down the road one local turned to the other and said "Man, Did you see the size of the dick on that Mosquito???!!" 

An Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. 

"My son was born on St George's Day," commented the Englishman. "So we obviously decided to call him George." 

"That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew." 

"That's incredible, what a coincidence," said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake." 

The following appeared in the June 2000 edition of the Irish Aviation Magazine :- 

1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller, Unless you keep pulling it back, in which case they will eventually start to get bigger again 
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is dangerous. 
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there, than up there wishing you were down here. 
5. The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 
6. The propeller is merely a big fan in the front of the plane which keeps the pilot cool. You can verify this by noticing that when it stops, the pilot starts sweating. 
7. If in doubt, maintain your current altitude. No-one ever crashed into the sky. 
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 
10. You know you've landed with wheels still up when it takes full power to taxi to the hangar 
11. The chance of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival means small chance of survival, and vice versa. 
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining that everyone keeps talking about could be a plane going in the opposite direction. Also, mountains have been known to hide in clouds. 
14. Always try and keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made. 
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are. 
16. You start with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the latter before you empty the former. 
17. Helicopters can't fly. They're just so ugly the earth repels them. 
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground going round and round, and you can hear a lot of commotion from the passenger compartment, things are not as they should be. 
19. In the ongoing battle between aluminum objects hurtling around at hundreds of miles an hour, and the ground traveling at zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 
20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment. 
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forwards as much as possible.

 

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Dirty David - The home of UK Swingers

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